The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships

by Harriet Lerner

For starters, intimacy means that we can be who we are in a relationship, and allow the other person to do the same. “Being who we are” requires that we can talk openly about things that are important to us, that we take a clear position on where we stand on important emotional issues, and that we clarify the limits of what is acceptable and tolerable to us in a relationship. “Allowing the other person to do the same” means that we can stay emotionally connected to that other party who thinks, feels, and believes differently, without needing to change, convince, or fix the other.

An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way.

Rather, in relationships between dominant and subordinate groups, the subordinate group members always possess a far greater understanding of dominant group members and their culture than vice versa. Blacks, for example, know a great deal about the rules and roles of white culture and relationships. Whites do not possess a similar sensitivity to and knowledge about blacks.

Until we are able to expect more from men in order to stay with them or continue business as usual, it is unlikely that men will feel called upon to change or even to pay attention.

Working on the self includes clarifying beliefs, values, and life goals, staying responsibly connected to persons on one’s own family tree, defining the “I” in key relationships, and addressing important emotional issues as they arise.