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September 21, 2020 - January 22, 2021
intimacy means that we can be who we are in a relationship, and allow the other person to do the same.
An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced
Our goal will be to have relationships with both men and women that do not operate at the expense of the self, and to have a self that does not operate at the expense of the other.
Rather, in relationships between dominant and subordinate groups, the subordinate group members always possess a far greater understanding of dominant group members and their culture than vice versa.
women cannot easily afford to alienate men or to be ignorant about their psychology.
The problem arises, however, when we confuse intimacy with winning approval, when we look to intimate relationships as our sole source of self-esteem, and when we enter relationships at the expense of the self.
As long as women function for men, men will have no need to change.
That evening I began to have a renewed appreciation for the inseparable nature of our strengths and weaknesses. Far from being opposites, they are woven from the same strands.
Substantive change in important relationships rarely comes about through intense confrontation. Rather, it more frequently results from careful thinking and from planning for small, manageable moves based on a solid understanding of the problem, including our own part in it.
When intensity is high, we react (rather than observe and think), we overfocus on the other (rather than on the self), and we find ourselves in polarized positions where we are unable to see more than one side of an issue (our own) and find new ways to move differently.
Without a clear “I” we become overly reactive to what the other person is doing to us, or not doing for us—and we end up feeling helpless and powerless to define a new position in the relationship.
From the time we are first wrapped in a pink blanket, family members encourage us to be our authentic selves, while they also unconsciously encourage us to express certain traits, qualities, or behaviors and to deny or inhibit others.
As Margaret Mead so aptly pointed out, the disruption caused by change can only be solved by more change, and so one thing leads to another.
Change requires courage, but the failure to change does not signify the lack of
our capacity for intimacy rests first and foremost on our continued efforts to be more of a self, how can we judge where we are on the “selfhood scale”? How can we measure the degree to which we are able to carve out a separate, whole, independent self within our closest relationships?
All of us have a vulnerable side, just as all of us have strength and competence. When we cannot express both sides with some balance, then we are not operating with a whole and authentic self.
Distant people are often labeled as “having no feelings,” but distancing is actually a way of managing very intense feelings.
Reactivity is an automatic, anxiety-driven response. When we are in reactive gear, we are driven by our feelings, without the ability to think about how we want to express them.
Our narrow focus on one intimate relationship obscures the broader emotional field from our view.
we cannot work on intimacy problems if we stay narrowly focused on one relationship or on any one definition of “the problem.”
Given sufficient time and the inevitable stresses that the life cycle brings, we can count on periods of reactive fighting and distance in even the most ideal partnerships.
The degree of trouble we get into in a particular relationship rests on two factors. The first is the amount of stress and anxiety that is impinging on a relationship from multiple sources, past and present. The second is the amount of self that we bring to that relationship.
Wouldn’t it be nice if “insight” automatically led to change?
Real closeness occurs most reliably not when it is pursued or demanded in a relationship, but when both individuals work consistently on their own selves. By “working on the self,” I do not mean that we should
distancing from an issue or a person is still a reactive position, driven by anxiety. It simply keeps the intensity underground in one place, leaving us more vulnerable and reactive
We do not alter our part in a stuck relationship pattern without returning again and again to our old ways.
It is frustrating, exhausting, angering, and draining (both financially and emotionally) to overfunction—to be rescuing, bailing out, pulling up slack, or paying more attention to the problems of others than to one’s own.
When we complain that our mothers (or whoever) won’t listen to reason, it usually means that they won’t see things our way or do what we want them to do.
Think back to the initial male response to the women’s movement. Men did not typically say, “I’m scared and threatened by the
changes women are making.” Or, “I don’t want to share housework and child care, and so I feel resentful when my wife asks me to do so.” At the early stages of feminism, we did not often hear men speak about the self, or in “I” language, or with their own voice. Instead, the media focused relentlessly on “the needs of children,” which pulled everyone’s heartstrings.
True selfhood and assertiveness are self-focused, not other-focused.
Yet the higher the anxiety, the more difficulty an overfunctioner (or distancer) has simply sharing pain, fear, and concern without anger or blame and without having answers or advice for the other person.
our challenge is to define a clear and responsible position in the relationship, for self and not as an attempt to function for the other party.
Our mothers have let us all down because they have lived with impossible and crippling expectations about their role. It is
“Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilt, and I’ll show you a man.”
The degree to which we can be clear with our first family about who we are, what we believe, and where we stand on important issues will strongly influence the level of “independence” or emotional maturity that we bring to other relationships.
It is important to keep in mind that countermoves or “Change back!” reactions occur whenever we move toward a higher level of assertiveness, separateness, and maturity in a key relationship.
