I'll Be the One

by Lyla Lee

I’ve gotten in the habit of saying “mhm” over and over again until she stops talking, even though every word she says feels like a sharp needle piercing my skin.

mhm

“Move!” Lana yells to a guy who’s manspread all over a row. “We’re obviously coming through, and there’s clearly two empty seats next to you, so it’s not rocket science for you to get up and let us through.” The guy stumbles out of the way, a baffled look on his face.

“Well, maybe they’re just messaging you to say how proud they are of me,” I say. “How do you know what they’re saying without reading the full messages?” “I just know,” Mom says. Her eyes are steely,

literally my mom

“Look how slim that girl’s waist is!” she’d say. “And that other girl’s thighs! Haneul, look how beautiful everyone is. Don’t you want to be beautiful?”

yup

“Oh my gosh,” I say, wiping away my tears. “Sorry, I’m keeping you guys waiting. I’ll take off my clothes right away.” “Well, normally, I love it when girls say that,” Tiffany quips.

There are so many forms of Asian-parent tough love, where parents say and do mean things only because they want the best for us. Is all of that “tough love” abusive? What distinguishes tough-love parenting from abuse? After all, Mom did say she’s afraid of what other people might say about me. Even though she is mostly afraid that people might think she’s a bad parent, isn’t the fact that she’s worried about me a good thing?

this!!!

I just see random flashes of Dad and his very confused-looking coworkers. From what I can tell, they’re out for dinner. But I guess that didn’t stop Dad from keeping tabs on the final round of the competition. The audio sounds a bit like this: “AHHHHH! Skye . . . so proud . . . here’s Tim . . . and Jacob . . . AHHHHHHH!”

I don’t say, “Thanks for believing in me,” or “Thanks for always being there for me,” because we both know those words would just be lies. That’s not the kind of relationship I have with Mom. It’s time that I finally accepted it.