I'll Be the One

by Lyla Lee

Even though we were all five, the other girls had somehow already lost their baby fat and had slender, angelic legs and arms while I had a jiggling cherub belly that could be seen from the balcony seats.

Without the rosy tint of my glasses, everything looks a bit stark.

Although it’s still annoying, strangers’ opinions about my weight are nothing compared to a lifetime of my mom’s disapproving comments.

But no matter what I said, people didn’t believe me. Then, I stopped trying to explain myself. It simply wasn’t worth my time and energy.

It shouldn’t matter why I’m a certain weight. Being fat doesn’t make me any less of a person.

But now, I’m over it. All of it. And if my mom couldn’t change me for the last several years, no one can. Just

I’ve gotten in the habit of saying “mhm” over and over again until she stops talking, even though every word she says feels like a sharp needle piercing my skin.

my own mom used her as an example of what I could be like if I ‘tried a bit harder.’

That girl failed me, so I want to be my own hero.”

Plus, she’s really pretty in a way that makes my bi heart squeeze a little. If I were allowed to date girls, and if my parents knew I wasn’t straight, I’d totally date her.

I know it’s meant to make me jealous, but all I can think right now is: Oh my God, they’re queer like me!

But it still stings that she never thinks I’m beautiful the way I am now.

It’s not my fault people like my mom think that fat people wearing tight or revealing clothing is “inappropriate.”

but there was a time when I used to always spend several hours in front of the mirror, wishing I could “fix” myself. Every time I looked, something seemed off about me. But I could never tell what. It wasn’t just that I wanted to be skinnier and prettier, like Mom wanted me to be. Everything seemed wrong. I cared so much about how I looked that nothing was okay.

One moment, they’re telling you that you need to lose weight, and the next, they’re shaming you for not eating.

I’m fat and I take up space, but that’s okay, I tell myself, repeating one of the mantras I always say to myself in moments like this. I’m allowed to take up space just as much as anyone else.

“Men,” she hisses quietly so only I can hear her. “They always expect us to move for them, but they never think to move for us.

“Being fat and pretty aren’t mutually exclusive traits, though. Fat people can be pretty, pretty people can be fat.”

can’t believe a white girl is telling me that kimchi is good for me. It’s really weird, since she knows I’m Korean. Why would she think it’s okay for her to explain to me about my own cultural food?

A white girl explaining your own culture back to you? Groundbreaking .

And what she went through in the past doesn’t give her an excuse for how she treats me now.

It sucks that a fellow woman is hating on me so much like this. As if the industry weren’t already sexist enough.

Why should I have to stand up for myself all the time? Just because I’m fat doesn’t mean I have to let myself get hurt by these people over and over again. I’m not some spokesperson for all fat people, nor am I some martyr. I’m just one girl trying to achieve her dreams and live her own life.

We have feelings too. Why should we accommodate ourselves for them? Just because they have a problem w/ us.

“Nah, I’m kidding. I’m a total Hufflepuff. No backstabbing here. Just a lot of emotional crying.”

OMG HEART EYES

Don’t blame me, blame Harry Potter.”

legit me because it takes up most of my personality & life

People are so transparent with their fatphobia sometimes.

That all of her fears are more of a testament to how low her own self-esteem is than anything else. That no one cares about us and our image as much as she does.

Me being fat doesn’t mean I can’t do things.

Tears well up in my eyes as I think about the years I spent hating myself and my body. Entire days and even weeks went by when I barely ate anything, until I didn’t even feel hungry anymore.

I did lose a few pounds, but it was only a few compared to the crushing amounts of emotional pain I felt. No matter how much I worked out and no matter how little I ate, it was never enough.

It’s a total hetero misconception that queer girls shouldn’t be in locker rooms with other girls.

No, your body is perfect just the way it is. The fact that you grew up hearing your mom say it’s not doesn’t make it true.

There are so many forms of Asian-parent tough love, where parents say and do mean things only because they want the best for us. Is all of that “tough love” abusive? What distinguishes tough-love parenting from abuse?

Ditto with Hispanic parents

“You are beautiful,” I whisper to myself. “Don’t let anyone, not even yourself, tell you any different.”

Part of me also wants to replace all those bad memories of being here with Mom with happy ones. Even though that’s probably not exactly how people’s brains work, I figure it’s better than just having negative memories rolling around in my brain all the time.

Normally, I’m not a huge fan of PDA, but queer PDA happens so rarely that I wish it was more common.

Every day, I try my hardest to fight against the stereotype that fat kids have low self-esteem. Sure, I feel bad from time to time because of what Mom or other people say, and I did hate how I looked when I was younger.

But nowadays, I never really think I’m ugly. I’m cute, and sometimes even beautiful, depending on what I’m going for on a given day. And I know it.

Emotions and feelings are really overwhelming for me sometimes.”

SAME HERE HENRY

But I can still change myself and what sort of impact I have on other people. So I’m going to try to become stronger as a person and keep having a positive impact on people, like I have here.”

“I’m fat. People think it means I should hate myself, and when I don’t, it makes them uncomfortable. But this is just another part of who I am, and I’m happy with who I am.”