Think Like a Monk: Train Your Mind for Peace and Purpose Every Day

by Jay Shetty

Too often we love people who don’t love us, but we fail to return the love of others who do.

Competence. Someone has to be competent if we are to trust their opinions and recommendations. This person has the right skills to solve your issue. They are an expert or authority in their area. They have experience, references, and/or a high Yelp rating.

Care. We need to know a person cares if we are putting our emotions in their hands. Real care means they are thinking about what is best for you, not what is best for them. They care about your well-being, not your success. They have your best interests at heart. They believe in you. They would go beyond the call of duty to support you: helping you move, accompanying you to an important doctor’s appointment, or helping you plan a birthday party or wedding. Character. Some people have a strong moral compass and uncompromising values. We look to these people to help us see clearly when we aren’t sure what we want or believe is right. Character is especially critical when we are in an interdependent partnership (a relationship, a business partnership, a team). These people practice what they preach. They have good reputations, strong opinions, and down-to-earth advice. They are trustworthy. Consistency. People who are consistent may not be the top experts, have the highest character, or care most deeply for you, but they are reliable, present, and available when you need them. They’ve been with you through highs and lows.

Physical attraction. You like what they look like—you are drawn to their appearance, style, or presence, or you like the idea of being seen with them. Material. You like their accomplishments and the power and/or the possessions this affords them. Intellectual. You like how they think—you’re stimulated by their conversation and ideas. Emotional. You connect well. They understand your feelings and increase your sense of well-being. Spiritual. They share your deepest goals and values.

energy management not time management.

If you don’t know what you want, you’ll send out the wrong signals and attract the wrong people. If you aren’t self-aware, you’ll look for the wrong qualities and choose the wrong people. This work is what we’ve talked about throughout this book. Until you understand yourself, you won’t be ready for love.

Monks live in service, and to think like a monk ultimately means to serve. The Monastic Way quotes Benedictine monk Dom Aelred Graham as saying, “The monk may think he has come [to the monastery] to gain something for himself: peace, security, quiet, a life of prayer, or study, or teaching; but if his vocation is genuine, he finds that he has come not to take but to give.” We seek to leave a place cleaner than we found it, people happier than we found them, the world better than we found it.