How Not To Be a Boy

by Robert Webb

I take a more cautious approach to the outdoor life and I don’t do it with other children. Unless, of course, you count the Guy-Buys. The Guy-Buys are my imaginary gang of friends. I am the Captain of the Guy-Buys, obviously, and they are my twelve – yes, twelve, like the apostles – men. One day, my wife will put this together with what she knows of my sexual history and come up with one of her favourite ways of taking the piss. ‘What were they called again, your imaginary friends? The Gay Boys?’ ‘The Guy-Buys.’ ‘The Gaybo’s?’ ‘The Guy-Buys.’ ‘Not the Bi Guys.’ ‘No, dear. Not the Bi Guys, the Guy-Buys.’ Let me tell you, there is nothing gay about the Guy-Buys. If there were girls in the Guy-Buys, that would be different and, indeed, gay. If I understand two things about masculinity at the age of seven, it is a) the Sovereign Importance of Early Homophobia, and b) the Paramount Objective of Despising Girls. Nobody wants to be a gay and only gays play with girls – this much has been made clear. As I hold the door open for the Guy-Buys and count them into the kitchen, I remind them that to play with girls would be lunacy.