How Not To Be a Boy

by Robert Webb

To be well enough to reject suicidal thoughts is not the same thing as being well enough not to have them in the first place. We are not responsible for our thoughts, of course. We’re responsible only for our words and actions. There are no ‘bad thoughts’, only bad deeds. But obviously there are some lines of thought that are unhealthy to pursue, two extreme examples being: ‘How exactly am I going to murder this person who just barged onto the train when people were trying to get off?’ or ‘How exactly am I going to murder myself?’ We all have wayward thoughts. We don’t choose them, but we can choose not to follow them. With feelings, there is no choice at all. Zero choice. How are you feeling right now? Right. Whose idea was that? I don’t mean to be rude but I doubt that you had much to do with it. Not because of what you’re reading now, so much as what you had for breakfast and that annoying thing your friend said to you last Tuesday night. We are not the same thing as our emotions. With practice, you just get to watch them bubbling up and simmering down again. And you can sometimes tilt the playing field in your own favour. You don’t discreetly lift the surface of a game of table football (or foosball) unless you’re an outrageous cheat. It’s acceptable to do so, however, if your opponent is the one in your mind who keeps saying ‘stop being alive’. Going for a brisk walk or having a cup of tea are a couple of harmless ways to change the chemistry of your body enough, mayb...