How Not To Be a Boy

by Robert Webb

I welcome the sight of the ball arching towards me in the same way that a quadriplegic nudist covered in jam welcomes the sight of a hornet.

1

Actually telling a child why he was being physically punished was somehow beneath the dignity of Paul’s parenting style.

2

‘He has masculine qualities.’ Like what? Bravery? Honesty? Stoicism? That’s great, but I’ve also seen various women exhibiting these qualities all my life.

3

I don’t tell him about the suicidal thoughts, because somehow I think that would be a Bit Much. We’ve only just met, for heaven’s sake. This is England.

4

It was the Co-op offering a card to Labour members that turned me down. I must say, I thought that took the biscuit.

4