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Mark Twain figured that out as early as 1867, observing that ‘travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness’.39 This is not to say we need to change who we are. Quite the opposite. Among the most notable findings to come out of contact science is that prejudices can be eliminated only if we retain our own identity.40 We need to realise it’s okay that we’re all different–there’s nothing wrong with that. We can build strong houses for our identities, with sturdy foundations. Then we can throw open the doors.
A single unpleasant remark makes a deeper impression than ten compliments combined (the bad may seem stronger, but it’s outnumbered by the good.). And when in doubt, we’re inclined to assume the worst.
Far better, she says, is to accept and account for the fact that you’ll occasionally be cheated. That’s a small price to pay for the luxury of a lifetime of trusting other people.
The wonderful fact is that we live in a world where doing good also feels good. We like food because without food we’d starve. We like sex because without sex we’d go extinct. We like helping because without each other we’d wither away. Doing good typically feels good because it is good.
In the same vein, the literature on forgiveness emphasises that forgiving others works in our own self-interest.6 It’s not only a gift, but a good deal, because to forgive is to stop wasting your energy on antipathy and grudges. Effectively, you liberate yourself to live. ‘To forgive is to set a prisoner free,’ wrote the theologist Lewis B. Smedes, ‘and discover that the prisoner was you.’
Maybe love of one’s fellow man starts small. If a person is filled with self-loathing, how can they possibly love anyone else? If someone loses sight of family and friends, how can they shoulder the burdens of this world? We can’t take on the big until we have a handle on the small.
As humans, we differentiate. We play favourites and care more about our own. That’s nothing to be ashamed of–it makes us human. But we must also understand that those others, those distant strangers, also have families they love. That they are every bit as human as we are.
Because bad behaviour grabs our attention, it’s what generates the most clicks, and where we click the advertising dollars follow.17 This has turned social media into systems that amplify our worst qualities.
My rule of thumb? I have several: steer clear of television news and push notifications and instead read a more nuanced Sunday paper and in-depth feature writing, whether online or off. Disengage from your screen and meet real people in the flesh. Think as carefully about what information you feed your mind as you do about the food you feed your body.
Just like bombing the Middle East is manna for terrorists, punching Nazis only reinforces extremists. It validates them in their worldview and makes it that much easier to attract new recruits.
Where they’d expected disgust and outrage, they got an outstretched hand.
‘People seem loathe to acknowledge that their behaviour may have been motivated by genuine compassion or kindness.’
Haidt discovered that people are often surprised and moved by simple acts of generosity. When the psychologist asked his research subjects how this kind of experience affected them, they described an irresistible urge to go out and help someone, too.
