Antkind

by Charlie Kaufman

Who can know what lurks in the inky dark, black murkiness of the sea? It’s kind of like a, what do you call it, metaphor for the human mind in all its unknowability.”

Ocky and I had a falling-out years ago after I told him the Bible is complete garbage, magical thinking from primitive desert-dwelling nomads. As an atheist, I have that obligation.

“There is no title. But I call it my girlfriend.” “That’s sort of brilliant. There Is No Title but I Call It My Girlfriend.” “No. It has no title.”

“This film is different. It engulfed me, Arvide. It birthed me. It married me. It killed me. It ate me. It shit me out. It married me and shit me out again. And from that fertile spot, glorious flowers blossomed.”

I pride myself on my humility, so I feel a certain embarrassment even speculating about such things.

Someone should do a movie about New York someday. I mean, a real one. Nobody has ever come close.

I am neither highbrow nor lowbrow. I am simply brow. There are pleasures to be derived from all experiences, from the rarefied to the vulgar, from those of the flesh to those of the mind.

It is not my job to make you woke. That’s on you.” “Isn’t it your job, though? Isn’t that precisely your job?” “If it ain’t woke, don’t fix it,” she says.

“We live our lives unrecorded. When we die, it’s soon as if we have never lived. But we are not without consequence, because, of course, the world does not function without us. We have jobs. We support economies. We take care of children and the elderly. We are kind to someone. We murder. The existence of us, the unseen people, must be acknowledged, but the dilemma is that once acknowledged, we are no longer truly those same unseen people.

I am not a man who believes in God. I am Facebook friends with Richard Dawkins, for Christ’s sake, and some other very crazy people whom I admire greatly, but at times it seems there is some malevolent force taking pleasure in my ongoing humiliation.

I am poured a glass of wine. It is white, which is, of course, wine for people who don’t like wine, but I don’t tell Laurie that.

Sometimes I feel my thoughts are not my own, that I am thinking wrong things, stupid things, ridiculous things, for the amusement of an unseen audience.

In my waking life, I did not get in to the Iowa Writers’ Workshop. In my waking life, I had to look the program up to see if there was an apostrophe and where precisely it went, so as not to embarrass myself.

“It’s Trump.” “I don’t think so. I’ve done a lot of research. Everyone in the future thinks it’s Trunk. No one thinks it’s Trump. I’ve checked. We know how important his name was to him.”

“Oh!” says Barassini. “It’s meteorologist not meaty horologist. I get it now.” I have no idea what he’s talking about.

Six-six-six is the number of the beast, although in actuality, it is six-one-six, which perhaps not coincidentally is also the area code for the Lower Peninsula of Michigan, which is perhaps not coincidentally the onetime area code of Betsy DeVos and her evil brother Erik Prince, whom I call Betsy DeVour and Erik Prince of Darkness, respectively.”

It is essential to realize that there is not a single joke in this film, a single frame of levity, a single laugh. This movie is three months of unrelenting torture. But we need that, don’t we?” “Divine torture!” the audience cheers.

There are rumors of rats down here as big as German shepherds, the people not the dogs.

Trunk says he will implement a robot division of the armed forces called Great Robot Fighters of America Force: Dawn of Vengeance.”

I do not judge the futility of picking up hundreds of dropped coins as the world burns. The world is always burning, after all. The world is always burning.

There is a lesson here: Everyone is unique, even mass-produced robots.

Murray just threw the book across the room again, this time hitting his cat Schrodinger and perhaps killing him.

Why does an exception prove a rule? That doesn’t make any sense if one stops to think about it for even a second.

“Look, you saw then what you could see then. After, you remembered what you could remember. Now you see what you can see now. This is what I call the human condition.”

“Slammy’s Phones: At Slammy’s, we don’t make smart phones, we make very smart phones. Introducing the Slammy’s Genius: a phone so innovative, creative, and thought-provoking, you don’t have to be.

Everything is reviewed, analyzed, hated, loved, puked back at us in endless iterations, multiplying, replicating, repeating itself, repeating patterns, echoing,