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“What you have done is not tell me that you have a boyfriend. And, worse, you have told your father. When we both know your father is objectively a complete oyster dick.”
you know, I would love you anyway, even if you were a straight.”
You’re not really dating anybody, you’ve just persuaded some poor man to pretend to be your boyfriend because you are tired of everyone thinking you are lonely and pathetic.”
“I’m just worried that someone will hurt you again.” “Yeah well. So was I for a long time, and I think that was hurting me more.”
“I Wanted to Be Respectful of That is totally the title of your sex tape.” “Well,” he murmured, “I can imagine worse titles.” “Can you? Can you really? Because I very much cannot.” “St. Winifred’s School Choir Presents There’s No One Quite Like Grandma?” My mouth dropped open. “You are a sick man.”
just don’t think you should have to be dating someone like me for it to be acceptable to be someone like you.” I finally met his eyes again. How had I ever found them cold?
I could have told him about Miles. About partying like there was no tomorrow. And then waking up one day and finding out there definitely, definitely was. Oliver would have understood.
“Luc’s father, you know, he had a huge penis.” To my horror, Oliver got the kind of thoughtful look you never want your boyfriend to get over your dad’s dick. “Had? What’s happened to it since?” “I don’t know, but I like to think either the drugs shrivelled it up or it got squeezed into nothing by a groupie’s vagina.”
Oliver lowered himself gingerly down beside me, and all the spaniels tried to get into his lap simultaneously. Honestly, couldn’t blame ’em.
“My special curry, she cannot be rushed.” “It’s been in the slow cooker since you got up this morning. If it was any less rushed, it’d be catatonic.”
I let my head rest against his knee, and, somewhere between the mini-challenge and the runway, Oliver’s hand began stroking softly through my hair.
“I’ve seen you eat a lemon posset. I’m going to find this sexy whether you like it or not.” “Fine.” He gave me a cold stare. “Give it to me, baby. Give it to me hard.”
“You cleaned?” “Yes. I mean, I had help.” “You didn’t do this for me, did you?” “For myself. And a bit for you.” He looked genuinely overwhelmed. “Oh, Lucien.” “It’s…it’s not a big de—” He kissed me. And it was the most Oliver kiss,
You said you only kiss people you like.” At this, he went very pink very quickly. “It’s true, but I’m sorry I said that to you. Because I do like you. As it happens, I’ve always liked you. I just thought you’d find me ridiculous if you knew how much.”
And, God, his kisses. Deep, drowning, desperate kisses. Like he’d been told the world was ending and for some bizarre reason he’d decided I was the last thing he wanted to do.
when you’re in love, it’s supposed to be safe, isn’t it? You’re supposed to be able to do things and try things and make mistakes, and it’ll be okay because you know who you are to each other. I genuinely believed we had that, but he took it and flogged it to the press,
OMG ARE YOU KSSIING RIGHT NOW?????? No Bridge. I’m texting you WELLS TOPI T AND GO KISS OLIVER ANYWAY G2G BEAUSE GEOPOLITICAL UPHEAVEL HAS LED TO PULP PAPER SHORTAGE IN TWICKENHAM AND SO NONE OF OUR BOOKS ARE GETTING PRIPNTED AHHHHHHHHHHH
“You remember that time I pretended I spoke to French to impress you? Well, I still can’t.”
I don’t want to fuck this up.” “The way I see it”—it was Oliver’s gravest voice so I braced myself for an onslaught of sincerity—“either you won’t, which will be nice. Or you will, which will be funny.”
“I know you’re all terribly excited I have a boyfriend. But I think that dropping the M-bomb at this stage in my relationship would be an excellent way to ensure I don’t have one for much longer.”
“just because I have legal right to do something doesn’t mean I actually have to do it. Especially not with someone I’ve been dating for less than two months. No offence, Luc.” I pulled dramatically out of his arms. “Are you fucking kidding me? What am I going to do with the dress?”
“You do seem,” he said dryly, “to be markedly less intransigent when you have an erection.” “Yes, it’s my Achilles’ penis.”
“Shhh. You don’t have to do anything. You’re enough. You’re…” I gazed at him, not sure what was coming next. From the look on his face, he probably wasn’t either. “Everything,” he finished.
I had most of a Monkey’s Butthole left, but my father had abandoned me when I was three and making him say “Monkey’s Butthole” to a stranger might be the only revenge I’d ever get.
It’s not the sort of thing you talk about, okay? It was for us. And it was everything. * * *
“You misunderstand me. I’ve enjoyed our time together, and I’m grateful for your efforts, but we’ve done what we set out to do. It’s time for us both to move on.”
“I know this because I do it all the time. You like me and you’re scared and you’ve been through something and it’s shaken you up and your first instinct is to run. But if I can work through that, then so can you. Because you are way smarter and way less fucked up than me.”
“Well, I’m glad you’re finally seeing me clearly. Can I take it you agree you’re better off without me?” “Fuck a goat, Oliver, no.
“Oh shit, I’ve been fired.” For a moment, I was genuinely not thinking about my own problems. “Fuck. Bridge. I’m so sorry. Was it—” “False alarm. There’s been a fire.
“Of course I fucking love you. That’s why I turned up on your doorstep and made a complete idiot of myself. Again.”
“Family’s hard. But you know you’ve got me, right? Um, not as a replacement. But, like, a bonus.” “You’re more than a bonus, Lucien. You’re integral.”
“I’m conscious this could be rather burdensome to hear, but you remain the thing I have most chosen for myself. The thing that’s most exclusively mine. The one that brings me the deepest joy.”
You’ve done things for me that nobody’s ever done before.” “What, you mean—run to Durham for no reason?” “Seen me. Stood up for me. Fought to keep me.”
felt safe to let my guard down with you because I could tell myself it wasn’t real. But now it is and…well…I’m coming to the conclusion I might be unbelievably terrified.”
