Boyfriend Material (London Calling, #1)

by Alexis Hall

“You really do own your illiteracy, don’t you?” “Yeah, I’m thinking about moving to America and running for public office.”

“This is on me. I insist.” It felt weirdly patriarchal but I wasn’t sure I was allowed to complain about that, on account of us both being men.

Oliver called and I winced, before nobly diverting him to voicemail. He left one too. Who the fuck does that?

I’ll text you the… Will you fake dump me if I say ‘deets’?” “Without hesitation.”

“I’m not a vegetarian.” Miffy’s eyes widened in outrage. “My father’s an earl.” “I do apologise, madam.”

And you knew it was the right kind of press coverage when people wrote more about what you were wearing than what you were doing. I even got a glancing mention in Horse & Hound, despite being neither.

Somehow, despite my flat still looking like a bomb had thought about going off but got too depressed and just sat in the corner eating Pringles and crying, I was in an oddly good mood.

My brain didn’t know what to do with a kind, considerate, supportive man except tell me to get out, get out now before he uses what you’ve given him to hurt you.

I hoped I wasn’t going to keep having emotions, because it would get really tiring really fast.

The afternoon, well, it happened, dragging itself along like a dog with worms.

Oliver had stayed over a couple of times and seemed to tidy as he went like some kind of human Roomba. Although I suppose thinking about it, a human Roomba is just a person with a vacuum cleaner.

“That seems like a false dichotomy.” I hoped the fact he was using the word dichotomy in cold blood meant he was feeling at least a little bit better.

fuck me, you’re sexy when you’re compromising your principles.”

“People don’t believe stuff just because you tell it to them directly. If they did, visual art would be completely worthless. Otherwise I’d go around writing things like ‘Capitalism has significant problems’ and ‘I fancy girls’ on walls.”