Boyfriend Material (London Calling, #1)

by Alexis Hall

We stripped my bed, which I honestly think was less gross than Oliver was making out, although I super wished my, um, personal pleasure device hadn’t bounced out of the sheets and landed right at Oliver’s feet like a dog wanting to go walkies. Except, y’know, up my bum. I shoved it hastily in my bedside drawer which, unfortunately, involved revealing yet more of my, now I thought about it, depressingly onanistic collection. Whether out of embarrassment or gallantry, Oliver said nothing. Just got on with crimping down the edges of my new sheets until they were glass smooth and hotel room perfect. From there, he changed the pillowcases and the duvet cover, even bothering to do up the little poppers at the bottom which I was pretty sure no human being ever, ever did. And, finally, he started taking off his clothes. I stared blankly. Or not so blankly. “What are you doing?” “I’m not sleeping in a three-piece suit, and meaning no disrespect, I don’t especially want to borrow any of”—he made a circular gesture that encompassed the various piles of crap strewn across my floor—“this.” “That’s fair.” A thought occurred to me. “Hey, does this mean I finally get to meet the V-cut?” He gave a weird little cough. “You will be passing acquaintances at best.” “I’ll take it.” I bounced onto my newly Oliver-approved bed and knelt there, rumpling the duvet, and gazing somewhat shamelessly as Oliver undid his shirt. “Lucien,” he said. “What you’re doing right now looks suspiciously like ogli...

onanism /ˈōnəˌnizəm/ I. noun 1. ‹formal› masturbation. 2. ‹formal› coitus interruptus. II. derivatives 1. onanist /ˈōnənəst / noun 2. onanistic /ˌōnəˈnistik / adjective – origin early 18th cent.: from French onanisme or modern Latin onanismus, from the biblical story of Onan (Gen. 38:8). Onan[a] was a figure detailed in the Book of Genesis chapter 38,[1] as the second son of Judah who married the daughter of Shuah the Canaanite. Onan had an older brother Er and a younger brother, Shelah as well. Story of Onan For other uses, see Onan (disambiguation). Onan was commanded by his father, Judah, to perform his duty as a husband's brother according to the custom of levirate marriage with Er's widow Tamar. Onan refused to perform his duty as a levirate and instead "spilled his seed on the ground whenever he went in" because "the offspring would not be his", and was thus put to death by Yahweh.[2] This act is detailed as retribution for being "displeasing in the sight of Lord".[3][4] Onan's crime is often misinterpreted as being masturbation, but it is universally agreed among biblical scholars that Onan's death is attributed to his refusal to fulfill his obligation of levirate marriage with Tamar by committing coitus interruptus.[5][6]