Boyfriend Material (London Calling, #1)

by Alexis Hall

“Are you feeling okay?” “Fine. Why?” “I can’t remember the last time you said something nice about, well, anything.” I thought about this for slightly longer than I was comfortable having to think about it. “When you got that new haircut. The one with the cute fringe. I told you it looked really good on you.” “That was three years ago.” I gasped. “It was not.” “Luc, I can remember when fringes were in.” “Jesus.” I sank down onto the arm of my sofa. “I’m sorry.” “It’s all right. I’m saving these stories for when I’m best man at your wedding.” “You might be saving them for a long time.” “Then it’s going to be a very long speech. And I have to go. But please tell me how much you like Oliver first.” “Nothing,” I insisted, “is happening with Oliver.” She squeaked happily. “Ah, but you’re not complaining about how pompous and boring he is. That means it’s going exactly according to plan. Must dash. Ciao, darling.” She was gone before I could ciao back. Twenty minutes later, the James Royce-Royces appeared, James Royce-Royce with an actual picnic basket. “Oh, Luc.” He gazed around in dismay. “I hadn’t realised it had got this bad. I’m not sure I’ll feel safe eating in here.” “People eat in fields,” I pointed out. “Like, places where cows shit. No cows have shit in my flat.” “Are you familiar, sweet pea, with the term ‘damning with faint praise’?” “Did you come here to help or take the piss?” He shrugged. “I thought I’d try a bit of both.”