The Twelve Caesars

by Suetonius

He likewise brought about a reconciliation between Pompey and Marcus Crassus, who had been at variance from the time of their joint consulship, in which office they were continually clashing; and he entered into an agreement with both, that nothing should be transacted in the government, which was displeasing to any of the three.

I love the prose.....it is pleasing

marrying Augustus’s daughter Julia. But this he did with extreme reluctance; for, besides having the warmest attachment to Agrippina, he was disgusted with the conduct of Julia, who had made indecent advances to him during the lifetime of her former husband;

Yes, Tiberius was never happy about this - being forced to divorce his love for Augustus' daughter Julia. But then again Tiberius was never really happy anyway - miserable sod!

He lost his brother Drusus in Germany, and brought his body to Rome, travelling all the way on foot before it.

This is a good story.

Nor am I ignorant of its being reported by some, that Augustus so openly and undisguisedly condemned the sourness of his temper,

'Sourness' to describe Tiberius. Putting it mildly.

Besides, in several of his letters, he extols him as a consummate general, and the only security of the Roman people.

..............but yes, okay then Tiberius was a good general

“Others are slow to perform what they promise, but you are slow to promise what you actually perform.”

Hahaha

He had such an aversion to flattery,

One would've thought it would be very hard to flatter Tiberius. Voluntarily anyway!

He likewise introduced a certain show of liberty, by preserving to the senate and magistrates their former majesty and power.

Suetonius often does this; he seems to have 2 independent commentary's happening with each Emperor - one good, one bad. Fair enough - so this is one of Tiberius' qualities - he did, do some good stuff. He just didn't want to be in Rome, didn't want the job, was a nasty deviant bastard and was a totally miserable sod. Mentioning positives is a bit like congratulating Mussolini for getting the trains to run on time!!

When some decrees were made contrary to his opinion, he did not even make any complaint.

........good old Tiberius (what a softy)

To some governors, who advised him to load the provinces with taxes, he answered, “It is the part of a good shepherd to shear, not flay, his sheep.”

Love.that quote

But having now the advantage of privacy, and being remote from the observation of the people of Rome, he abandoned himself to all the vicious propensities which he had long but imperfectly concealed, and of which I shall here give a particular account from the beginning.

Drusus, it is said, was so rabid with hunger, that he attempted to eat the chaff with which his mattress was stuffed. The relics of both were so scattered, that it was with difficulty they were collected.

Some think that a slow-consuming poison was given him by Caius.

Caius = Gaius = Caligula = Little Boots

The people were so much elated at his death, that when they first heard the news, they ran up and down the city, some crying out, “Away with Tiberius to the Tiber;” others exclaiming, “May the earth, the common mother of mankind, and the infernal gods, allow him no abode in death, but amongst the wicked.”

Not a popular man at all. Tiberius was detested, hence is successor - the young, dashing, 'charismatic' (let's not deny it), Gauis Caesar (Caligula) was welcomed to the big chair with open arms. Little did they know ;-)

He appointed his two grandsons, Caius by Germanicus, and Tiberius by Drusus, joint heirs to his estate; and upon the death of one of them, the other was to inherit the whole.

Needless to say it was Gaius (Caligula) who won that one. His Dad, Germanicus - was a hero of the Roman people....that's why Tiberius did him in. Who'd be a Julio-Claudian?

Livia retained, without interruption, an unbounded ascendancy over the emperor, whose confidence she abused, while the uxorious husband little suspected that he was cherishing in his bosom a viper who was to prove the destruction of his house.

Livia (his mum) certainly pulled a lot of strings behind Tiberius' time in charge

Sejanus, the minister in the present reign, imitated with success, for some time, the hypocrisy of his master; and, had his ambitious temper, impatient of attaining its object, allowed him to wear the mask for a longer period, he might have gained the imperial diadem;

It was really Sejanus who ran the show during Tiberius' reign. He stayed in Rome while Tiberius was playing around with his <i>little fishes</i> in Capri. As Prefect to the Praetorian Guard (In my view - and I'm happy to be challenged here - the Praetorian Guard seemed to be the group who kept breathing life into the Imperial system) - he could control the whole show. Suetonius doesn't mention him as much as I thought he would, or should.

With this view, under the pretence of relieving his master from the cares of government, he persuaded him to retire to a distance from Rome.

I am surprised Suetonius didn't spend more time on Sejenus, it was he who actually ran the show while Tiberius spent years in self imposed exile at Capri

The gloom which darkened the Roman capital during this melancholy period, shed a baleful influence on the progress of science throughout the empire, and literature languished during the present reign, in the same proportion as it had flourished in the preceding.

Tiberius was such a gloomy dullard

Germanicus possessed all the noblest endowments of body and mind in a higher degree than had ever before fallen to the lot of any man; a handsome person, extraordinary courage, great proficiency in eloquence and other branches of learning, both Greek and Roman; besides a singular humanity, and a behaviour so engaging, as to captivate the affections of all about him.

Germanicus was indeed a great General and Man - he would've been a wonderful Emperor

The month of September he called Germanicus, in honour of his father.

Thus far we have spoken of him as a prince. What remains to be said of him, bespeaks him rather a monster than a man.

That's 'our' Caigula

He called his grandmother Livia Augusta “Ulysses in a woman’s dress,”

Bahahaha

He forced Silanus, his father-in-law, to kill himself, by cutting his throat with a razor.

As for his successor Claudius, he only saved him for a laughing-stock.

This is where one feels sorry for Claudius, even though he proved to be brutal too - but he was nobody's fool

He lived in the habit of incest with all his sisters;

Something a recent historical fiction book of the man I recently read didn't really focus on....

He burned alive, in the centre of the arena of the amphitheatre, the writer of a farce, for some witty verse, which had a double meaning. A Roman knight, who had been exposed to the wild beasts, crying out that he was innocent, he called him back, and having had his tongue cut out, remanded him to the arena.

Monster

Chaerea came behind him, and gave him a heavy blow on the neck with his sword, first crying out, “Take this:”

The first blow of the death of this Tyrant!

He lived twenty-nine years, and reigned three years, ten months, and eight days. His body was carried privately into the Lamian Gardens,{464} where it was half burnt upon a pile hastily raised, and then had some earth carelessly thrown over it.

.......a fit ending

His wife Caesonia was killed with him, being stabbed by a centurion; and his daughter had her brains knocked out against a wall.

Very dangerous being family or friend of an Emperor