A Monk's Guide to Happiness: Meditation in the 21st Century

by Gelong Thubten

We usually feel as if thoughts and emotions are coming into our heads. We often use the phrase “something popped into my head.” From where? Are we downloading thoughts and feelings from a virtual hard drive somewhere? Of course not.

We don’t need to be in danger mode throughout the day; lurching from one cortisol spike to the next is exhausting and toxic. It can damage our organs, contributes to hypertension and diabetes, and can influence the way our body distributes its fat.

Practicing mindful moments when waiting for things also creates a different relationship with time. We would all love to have lots of holidays and time where we can just laze about doing nothing; we often complain about not having enough time off. We are, in fact, handed “time off” on a golden plate every time we’re waiting for something, if we could just learn how to appreciate those moments and use them for relaxation.

A question which often comes up when I am teaching in corporate environments is, “So how long do I have to do this before I’m better? If I do this for a month, is it done?” Corporates would like to draw a graph or make a spreadsheet of profit and loss regarding their meditation training. We always have a good laugh about this together. It’s as ridiculous as somebody asking, “What if I go running for a month? Will I be fit, and then can I stay in bed eating chips for the rest of my life?”

Often, when we’ve done a lot to help someone, there comes a point where we think, “After all I’ve done for them…” We feel our work has not been recognized or repaid—we think we are owed some kind of gratitude.

The most painful scenario is when we do a lot to help somebody, and at some point they let us down, hurt, or abuse us. Our internal voice then intensifies: “After all I’ve done for them, how could they?” This suggests the help wasn’t unconditional, there were rules under the surface.

it is also about helping others in a deeper, more sustainable way, not just through short-term relief.

The first step is to ask: Who is the real enemy? Is it the person “out there” or is it our reaction to them? Instead of remaining stuck in our perpetual stories of how terrible that person is and ruminating over all the things they have said or done, we could instead examine our habits of mental reactivity. We can look at the anger itself. When we do this, it opens up the possibility for change. Our true enemies are the anger and pain that we carry inside us, and those are what really damage us.

The next step is to try to understand the internal suffering and confusion of the person who hurt us. When someone does or says something that causes us to feel harmed, we mainly suffer because we assume it was deliberate, that they “meant” it.

These will all be contributing factors to how they are feeling and behaving in the present moment. We often use the phrase “they should know better,” which is actually ridiculous, as how can anyone know what they don’t know?

“curtain twitching”

Everything is down to perception. Imagine you are standing at the side of a pond: you’re looking at the water and, of course, you would call that a pond. But is it really a pond? What if you were a fish inside that water? A fish swimming in the water would perceive that pond as the air that it breathes, and in fact that fish has no concept of anything outside—it’s actually its entire universe. Who is “right?” What if the fish and the human could hold a conversation? The human would say, “It’s a pond,” and the fish would say, “No, stupid, it’s the whole world.” Are we not just living in perceived realities according to our mental conditioning?

It’s important to see the meditation path as a way of life rather than expecting to “feel” something from it, and it’s crucial to avoid becoming impatient for results. People who exercise and keep jumping on the scales to weigh themselves, or constantly run to the mirror hoping to see changes, just end up feeling disheartened; it’s more useful to keep going, with a patient attitude.

If you’re preparing a meal for yourself, perhaps you just throw any old thing into the microwave; but if you have people coming over for dinner, you’ll want to make something really nice. Doing things for others can inspire us to be diligent.