Dear Stranger, I Know How You Feel

by Ashish Bagrecha

the truth is you are at war with yourself that’s why you find yourself at war with others.

in the deep black sky even though a million miles apart the sun still finds a way to bring light to the moon, and you expect me to leave you in this darkness?

maybe you’ll never know why i never said a word why i pushed you away why i buried my feelings why i chained my heart and hid its key under the deepest sea because i couldn’t allow you to drown in the never-ending chaos which was only mine.

I know that you are feeling empty and alone. I know that your mind threatens to shut your heart out and that you feel as if your soul left you a long time ago. I may not know the exact reasons why, but I do know that the feeling is eating you up inside. I see you slowly abandoning who you are, trying to gain the approval of others. I need you to know that perfection is not necessary. That your flaws make you unique and wonderful.

They tell you to reach out, to speak to people who can guide you to the meaning of life, who can heal you. But

When you tried to seek help from someone, you felt as if you were listening in on a conversation that was not meant for you. The

I understand that you are tired. Tired of never being strong enough, or beautiful enough, of always feeling second-best. No, not even that. Of feeling like you’re not even an option. You guard your heart and build walls around your mind. It is better to keep others out. Out of this pit of darkness that consumes you, I see you emerge to enter the crowd, smiling, participating, pretending that you fit in. I know that that is not how you feel. That you are smiling because it is what is expected of you. That the void is bottomless and that being here with these people only makes you feel lonelier. You don’t relate, you do not want to relate to these people. They do not understand you. How could they? How could anyone? And so, when you go home at night, the void begins to consume you again.

When you practise meditation, when you are mindful and aware once again, you will reconnect with your soul. Please pursue fulfilment relentlessly. Explore and chase with vigour what sets your soul on fire. Set goals, meet them, and celebrate your success. Allow yourself to feel. Feel all of it. The anger, the despair, the hurt and the pain. Feel them with ferocity and then channel them into something constructive. Some of the greatest works of art have been born out of an acute feeling of emptiness. You cannot cure your feelings; you simply need to feel them to come through to the other side. Reach

the moon reminds me of you how beautifully you both try to fight the darkness.

You put on your diffuser, filling the space with the smell of lavender; maybe the calm scent will make them leave. You put on your sleep lamp with its softening colour; maybe the absence of strobe lights will make them leave. You put on your meditation app; maybe, if you ignore them long enough, it will make them leave. You play the sounds of waves and rain, filling your bedroom with sounds of the outdoors; maybe the lack of rave music will make them leave. Anything to make them leave.

Try everything you can, sleepless stranger. Try exercising to tire yourself out, try vitamins, try counselling, try herbal teas before bed, try banning screen time in your room, try reading instead of watching TV, try meditation, try essential oils, try talking to a friend, try everything. One day, you will lay your head on your pillow and find that the anxiety about sleep has dissipated, or at least eased off.

If you reach out and discuss your problems, letting your demons have the microphone for a while, you may find they leave you in peace in the evenings. Spend a bit of time interacting with them; don’t ignore them entirely. Just like a child or a puppy, your demons need to be played with. Take them out with you on a walk in the evening; let them have the floor to moan about life for a while. Then, tell them you will see them tomorrow, and go your separate ways. Don’t let the party continue back at yours.

Healing is not a race, but a long voyage that you must embark on.

i can’t find anyone like you not even close to you i look for you in everyone but i fail every single time yet i don’t feel lonely or sad i feel happy and proud the departure doesn’t hurt because i loved the best one.

Scream until you can’t scream anymore. It doesn’t matter what anybody thinks. I know that you feel alone, and that no one understands. The truth is, no one really does. You will grow tired of people and their advice, and that is okay. I understand why being told to be strong does nothing but fuel your wrath.

Be strong, they say. For what? For whom? Is grief not allowed when you have experienced a loss? There is no need to be strong. There is no need to suppress your pain. You are entitled to the questions that fill your head. The whys and hows are natural. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. But please know this: it isn’t your fault. There was nothing you could have done. You have the right to ask questions and you have the right to fall apart. You don’t owe anyone an explanation when you are alone at night and your grief overtakes you. I

that storm in your heart let it thunder let it strike let it rain let it flood let it destroy let it destruct and in the aftermath you will find sunshine you will find a new life the storm will cease and you will find peace.

I see you trying to attain perfection, trying to conform to society’s standards of what perfection should be. I know that you have morphed and changed so many times that you no longer know who you are. You do not understand anymore who you are supposed to be, or what makes you unique and special. But I see who you really are, and I understand the pressure of keeping up with the demands of the perfect life you expect of yourself. I know that you no longer know what is expected of you because you no longer know what you expect from yourself. I see you lost and drifting in your fake world—depressed, lonely and scared. I see you lying in bed at night, scrolling through your friends’ feeds, jealous and aching for something real. Some real fun, real connections, real friends. You are struggling with your life choices, trying to make a decision, trying desperately to know where you fit in all of this. You are convinced that people expect you to be something you feel you are not. You compare yourself to others and feel that you should be as successful as they are. That you should at least have achieved what they have by now. You lie in bed berating yourself for not knowing where you fit in, tearing your self-esteem to shreds. You had expected life to be different, for this phase to turn out exactly as you had planned, and now you are so lost that without the good opinion of the people you hold in high regard, you feel you are nothing. You feel that you no longer occupy a meaningfu...

With every step you take to find out who you are, you seem to lose more of yourself.

Do you remember when hope came easily? Back when you were a child, when your hopes were wrapped around things that are of no consequence to you anymore? Now, hope seems to do nothing but disappoint you. I know that the people around you do not understand, but I do. To them, your hopelessness is confusing. They do not understand why you won’t just apply for your dream job, eat healthier, or make new friends after discarding the ones who have mistreated you. But I do understand. I understand that when you have no hope you feel nothing is worth the effort. That anything you try will be futile. I see you blaming yourself for not being able to manage your life; I see how it throws you into a bottomless pit of despair. A despair that only serves to add new thoughts of destruction to your day. I know that when you have no hope, your thoughts are so overpowering, so time-consuming and energy-draining, that motivation leaves you completely. That you simply do not have the energy to make the changes necessary to find a path out of the pit you are in.

Fear consumes you. A fear of rejection, of being lonely forever. You are scared, depressed and anxious. You feel that you are stuck in the same situation. Every day a loop, until, eventually, you grow old in this misery. I know that you are afraid to even try because failure will mean that you have to deal with the pain of disappointment. You don’t know if you can handle any more pain. Because I have been there, I know that your despair, your hopelessness, only sets you up for further failure. Your thoughts will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I know that if you have no hope, you will stop believing in yourself, and this means that you will not find the courage to hope again. To change your internal dialogue.

Today, I want you to find a role model—someone who once had to overcome adversity, and found the courage to do so. I want you to read their story, immerse yourself in their life, and look for solutions that apply to you. I want you to speak positively to yourself; I will encourage you with supportive messages, so that once again you can rebuild hope.

Once your despair dissipates and you find your way back to your path, help others. Understand that healing others often helps restore your self-worth and the sense that you have a purpose in life. When

remember all the qualities that make you unique. I

if you’re given darkness, you’ll also be gifted with stars.

maybe we will never meet but we can still walk together like parallel lines to infinity and beyond.

Forgiveness is not forgetting what they have done to you. Forgiveness is acknowledgement. Acknowledgement that they hurt you, whether intentionally or by design, and that you had no control over their behaviour. I want to help you find acceptance that nothing you could have done would have prevented them from hurting you. Forgiveness is acknowledging that you may never be the same again, that owing to their actions you will not be whole again, but that life and beauty still grows from the destroyed and the incomplete. That a missing piece is an opportunity to create a new piece that can form something totally unique and different. I will be there to help you lift the burden of resentment that you have been carrying, and I will be there to pick you up when you collapse from the exhaustion this baggage has caused. I will be there to show you how to nourish your thoughts and fill them with acceptance. Today, I want you to understand that only you have control over how you feel and how you react, and then I want you to let go.

Because forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean giving the ones who hurt you permission to re-enter your life. Forgiveness means that you simply refuse to allow what they did to you to control you any further. I want to help you put in the hard work of planting new seeds and forming new relationships. Let

you will need to let go of the person you once were, and that in order for the healing to be complete, that person can never come back.

I see you writing in your journal. Making the conscious effort to record everything good and positive that has happened in your day. Acknowledging that others who suffer the way you do have been able to make it through to the other side. You know that the change will not happen overnight, and that it is easy to fall back into the trap of negativity. You understand that the past can never be undone and you accept that changing your mindset will take hard work. But you are doing well because you have realised that you have control over your thoughts. Control over how you react to all that is negative around you.

My negative mind rejected the very concept of positivity at first. It took hours of positive affirmations, self-reflection and conscious avoidance of the negativity the mainstream media fed me, to prevent myself from wading back into that dark pool.

Please do not give up your newfound path of positivity. The new people in your life, the ones who know nothing of your negativity or your past, can offer you a clean slate. They are just as important as the old people in your life, the ones who are celebrating your transformation into a positive person. New people do not have to be scary if you know that they can give you a fresh perspective on life. Never forget: everything that happens to you is in some way or another beneficial, if you allow it to be.

Take a moment each day to celebrate your progress (no matter how small), because what matters is that you are moving forward.

i wanted my life to have a tragic ending so i could write about it dwell and drink in pain tell people about it and make them cry sell my sorrows and become famous, i so wanted it! but then one day i met you and you gave me a happy ending. damn you, my love!

second chances mean that you are allowing yourself to be hurt again. That your newly healed heart, still cracked and bruised, will have to subject itself to the possibility of pain again. I know that a second chance means returning to life and putting yourself back in the same situations that hurt you to begin with. But this time, you will be different. Better equipped to deal with those situations. You will have learned to set boundaries. You will know that sometimes people don’t hurt you with intent, and at other times they act out of malice. This time you will understand that you are in control of your own emotions, but not those of others, and because of that you will be strong enough to enforce the boundaries you have set and walk away.

Remember: while giving yourself a second chance, you need to ask others to do the same. I know it is embarrassing,

I do not want you to be discouraged by their behaviour; do not get sucked back into the negative void that you have just come out of. I do not want you questioning the reasons behind your recovery; I want you to continue to see yourself differently. As the strong, confident person who deserves this second chance.

want you to know that you deserve this better kind of love. This realistic love that has enabled you to love yourself unconditionally. That you deserve the words of kindness you are speaking to yourself, and that those who love you, those who really care, will speak those words of kindness too. I know that the terror of your heart being violently crushed is still fresh in your mind. That the war which had raged in your mind for so many years still produces casualties. I too tried desperately to crawl back into the familiar, away from my second chance. But I also knew that the familiar would mean pain. That the work I had put in would mean nothing, and that the confidence I had built as a fortified wall against the negativity of the world would come crashing down. So, I reached out in the same way that I want you to. When it feels like the void is sucking you in, when you feel that the war may begin again in your mind, when you speak words of hatred about yourself instead of words of love, please reach out and trust me. When your boundaries begin to blur, when your mind begins to ache, and you doubt whether you deserve a second chance, trust me. Take the leap. Embrace your second chance.

Find the sibling you always dreamed of having in your best friend, help them to raise their children, and create your own family. There are no expectations, and because of that, there is a greater level of forgiveness and a greater level of acceptance for human flaws. Platonic love is a selfless love; it understands that loving is mutual and should benefit both parties. Platonic love does not push past boundaries that have been mutually decided on. It does not expect you to cross the line into romantic love, nor does it pressure you into sexual gratification. Platonic love is supportive, not derogatory. It understands that constructive criticism is needed but constant criticism is not. It does not tear down personalities or wound the self-esteem. Those who seek to hurt you do not love you.

If you cannot love yourself, you will never fully accept the love of others.

the pain I would cause by taking my own life would far outweigh the pain I was causing by continuing to exist.

Know that family is not always formed by ties of blood, that leaving behind the people who raised you, or abandoned you, does not mean that you will be alone. You have the ability to create a chosen family of people who will love you unconditionally. Your friends, although not related to you by blood, are also your family; they will be there to help you through this. Regardless

If you feel lonely, try joining a gym or taking a class you are interested in. Try open mic nights, if you enjoy music. Go to yoga classes. Join a football team. Attend poetry readings. Volunteer to work for a charity. Participate in community events. Try getting an allotment and connect with other gardening enthusiasts. There are routes out there for all of us. We just have to try.

Your friends should keep you smart—encouraging you to learn more, do more, be more. To keep up with them, to have a meaningful relationship where you are both on the same level, you must actively seek out knowledge and experiences. Together, you should help each other expand your intellect and progress together. Search for people who lift you up when you need it, rather than those who shut you down. Take the time to thank them for all that they have done for you.

These friends are capable of providing you with insights about yourself without being critical and hurtful because they know exactly what triggers you. When

Give your friends love and treasure them. Find in each other the wisdom you have been seeking. Be a pillar of support in their life and they could be yours. Encourage openness and honesty. Avoid petty arguments. And if you do ever find yourselves in conflict, listen without judgement. Love them unconditionally and work through your disagreements with grace. Do not choose a path of drama and hurt. Find compassion and empathy for one another and work on fixing things. Just as they help you repair the damages in your life, help them deal with theirs, and work together to resolve issues.

Self-care begins with small changes you make to your routine: maybe you run yourself a bubble bath once a week, or you go for a walk to help clear your head and reconnect with nature. Giving yourself the time to reflect on your day and how you are feeling in that moment will allow you to learn more about yourself. Just as you ask your friends how their day went, ask yourself about your day. Was it good? Was it bad? If it was a bad day, why? Are you not focusing on your goals enough? Perhaps you never set them in the first place. I’ve been there, don’t worry. It took me a long time to learn to like who I am and build up my self-confidence. Nobody else can do this for you; only you can learn if you like who you are. Once you start listening to your internal dialogue, maybe you will figure out what makes you feel good. Maybe you won’t, but you might at least have an idea that you want to explore. Delve into it, and build your confidence to work hard for the things you want, even if life doesn’t always turn out how you want it to. Learn to love your experiences because they are yours alone.

I want to explore what triggers you, what makes you feel less worthy of happiness than those around you, and then I want to help you control those feelings. I

I learnt that sitting outside in nature as the birdsong quietens for the evening, the sun setting on the horizon, listening to the world, is a perfect opportunity to start listening to myself.

Look in the mirror as if you were looking at your best friend or your parents or your siblings or your partner. Look at yourself in the way you deserve to be looked at, and feel the warmth that radiates through you. I bet you are smiling at yourself now. Good, because it feels good to love yourself. Give yourself the time you deserve to figure out who you are, what you want, and who you want to become. Work on those goals; focus on your needs and desires. Stop listening to the voices telling you to be just like everybody else.