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Robert grabbed me, and I briefly hoped he was going to throw me out of the stands for a mercifully quick death.
Lol
I was as delusional and optimistic as any Disney princess. It was going to look fantastic on my eHarmony profile. I’d use Snow White as my fucking avatar. She found seven men. Surely I could scrounge up one.
Hehe
Hey, I know you’re trying to comfort me and all, but I’m secretly in love with you. And listening to you mack on some football groupie is making the two slices of chocolate cake I wolfed down want to reappear. All right, all right, three slices.
Bless
If you’re going to be sorry, be sorry for what you did to your dearly departed grandmother’s afghan.” She frowned and gave me a smack as she remembered. I scowled and grabbed my arm. “Ow. I washed it, for cryin’ out loud. And Grandma is not dead.” My mother smacked my arm again. “Don’t argue with your mother.”
Haha
I didn’t say any of that, even though I practically had to bite my tongue off—mostly because I didn’t relish getting pounded in the face by someone who had fists like honey-baked hams. I liked my teeth, and I’d already bought that whitening voucher on Groupon.
Lol
I suddenly wondered if twenty-nine was too young to have a heart attack. Considering my love of bacon and how my doctor usually frowned over my labs and used the word borderline a lot, it probably wasn’t.
Hehe
Good God, he broke me. I wasn’t even capable of having a sexual thought that didn’t involve his stupid fat head.
Lol
Fuck. If he’d asked for an organ right then, I’d have given it to him, no questions asked. Even if it was a vital one.
Aw
Maybe I should just wear a rope of garlic around my neck. The added benefit would be no vampires, and I could use it to hang myself when the loneliness became unbearable.
Haha
He looked dazed. I wasn’t surprised. A hit like that and I’d be seeing cartoon birdies flying around my head. Or Jesus. In person.
Lol
He looked wobbly for a second, and his teammate, some moron with Warner on the back of his jersey, slapped Blue companionably on the helmet. Because nothing felt better after being steamrolled than having someone slap you in the head.
Crying
Obviously two drunken sex sessions did not make a relationship. If I created a club for people hopelessly in love with the clueless, that would be our slogan.
Me
“I understand that,” he said patiently. “But since when do you care if I stay at your house?” Since I fell in love with you. And I thought, for a few stupid seconds, that you might love me back.
Ouch
Lord, I sounded like a middle-school girl. Actually that was insulting to middle-school girls. At least they had the dignity to create a nicely folded note with check boxes for yes and no. But I was old. They probably did that on Facebook or something.
Lol
“Connor!” I should’ve known he was lying to me. Mostly because Bel Biv Devoe had it right—never trust a big butt and a smile.
Haha
“You gotta give me something.” It was fortunate we were already in the hospital, because I was about to beat him like a piñata.
Lol
He huffed a breath. “You could stay and keep me company.” “I’d stay and keep my boyfriend company,” I said with a cheeky look. “You? I’ll just see you later.”
Get him Queen
In this case Oscar Wilde seemed to sum up my situation with Kelly—“There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.”
Love that
He was probably wondering how to rebuild those “nothing but friendship” fences without me stabbing him. I eyed my knife thoughtfully. I was certainly fresh out of ideas.
Me
“I’m glad we’re on the same page.” Same page, same shitty book.
Bless
That was a horse of a different color—a horse with a very small, untried asshole that was even then closing up with anxiety.
So funny
He smacked my ass, and I jumped a little. “Do what I said.” “Bossy on the bottom, bossy on the fucking top,” I muttered, but I did what he asked.
Love that for you
At least that’s how I interpreted his groaning, sighing, grunting, and eventually collapsing on my back—either that or he was dying. I was too sated to be concerned.
Lol
Part of me thinks I could fall in love with you. The clock ticked some more. The other part of me knows I already have.
Aw
“Don’t be such a smartass.” That was my fucking job, and I would not be outsourced.
Me
