Ruby (Jewels Cafe)

by Ann Denton

Apparently, gelatinous substances are always attractive. That's why God made boobs jiggle.

“Hey baby, I wanna Squirtle on your JigglyPuffs.”

My heart froze. My system errored. My entire existence went 404—page not found. No. No. No. No.

“I will fucking ensure your TV only ever plays fucking Barbie cartoons for the rest of your life!” Parker threatened.

I was the fucking friendly dude. The nobody-remembers-him-tomorrow nice guy. The cheat-on-him-and-he’ll-take-you-back kinda guy. I wasn’t the swashbuckling hero. Fuck. But I threw all that shit aside. Who I was didn’t matter. Because that was yesterday. Before I met Ruby. Before she needed my help. I took another step inside.

“Yes. Some bright mind had the idea to give an alien species of women tentacles. Well, I’ll give you one guess what they did with them. Procreation nearly halted on the planet.”

Heels were evil. Literally. They were invented by demons in the same division as Parker—the Annoyance and Bad Mood Division. And I wouldn’t support them.

And I couldn’t help it. That inner selfish demon, that beast who needed to claim his mate, roared, and I dived forward, desperate to taste Ruby. Unfortunately, Bar and I had the exact same idea. At the exact same moment. Our heads collided with a crack.