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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
T.J. Klune
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January 25 - January 27, 2025
the dragon lowered its massive head toward me and said in a loud, rumbling voice, “I really hate wizards.” I blinked. Because dragons weren’t supposed to talk. “Um. What?” “Cocky shits,” he said. “With your whizbangs and pretty sparkles. Too bad too. I’d really have liked to wined you, dined you, then fucked you stupid.” “What?” And then it brought a massive arm back, and before I could move, it brought it forward, and I managed to think This is going to hurt before I was flying through the air. I smashed into the side of the weapons shed,
“You heard the dragon speak to Justin,” Morgan said slowly. “Yeah. He also spoke to me, but he was really rude. Told me that he wanted to have sex with me, but since I was a wizard, he couldn’t because wizards were gross or something. I mean, what was that about? Should I be insulted or flattered?” The staring thing happened again. Then: Morgan said, “Of course you can also understand dragons.” The King said, “Don’t take it personally, Sam. Justin takes after his mother. She was beautiful. I didn’t know you were into dragons.” Gary said, “What would your babies look like? Little dragon Sam
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“To be honest, I haven’t understood a single thing being said here,” Dad told her. “But that’s nothing unusual.” “I just keep you around for your looks,” Mom said. “Not your brains.” “Romance,” Dad sighed.
“Ryan allows you this control?” the King asked. I shrugged. Like an asshole. “I think so. But it’s never been tested.” “So you’re running,” the King said. And there was the flare of anger. “I’m removing myself from the equation,” I said. “Because your son seems to think I’m trying to steal Ryan away from him. Your son took me out to the sparring fields to try and in his words, ‘Teach me a lesson.’ I’m leaving because Morgan thinks it’s right, and I never question him.” “You question me all the time,” Morgan said lightly. “That’s because some of the things you say are questionable,” I said.
“I will murder everything you love,” I growled at him. “That would be suicide,” he said solemnly. “Because I love you.”
“Thanks for being a teenage dick bag, Ryan.”
A woman on a corner told me she was born with six fingers and that made hand jobs that much more intense.
His face was flushed and he looked horrified and aroused all at the same time. It was a good look on him.
“Let me tell you a story.” I sighed. “Seriously? A whole story?” “Once upon a time, there was a little drag queen with big dreams.”
“Don’t you get snarky with me, you baby wizard,” he snapped. “I know how to turn your little pecker into a chicken and you will never be able to change it back.”
“That pretty much sums up how we all feel about Sam,” Gary said. “Fond with strong overtures of horror.”
I was going to turn all his appendages into penises so I could castrate him multiple times. There would be so much castration, everyone who saw would be like, dude, that’s probably a bit excessive with how much you’re castrating him. And I would turn and say it will never be enough.
I wanted to do so much running right now. As fast as I could. “You hate running,” Gary said. And I hated unicorns, but I didn’t say anything about that now, did I? “Turning over a new leaf.” “Oh? Was it laying on your leaf bed of lies?” he asked.
“I like you,” Gary finally said in a low voice. “Thank you? I thought you already did.” “No. Like, I really like you. Before, I was just pretending. I actually think I almost despised you. But now I don’t.”
“Unicorns are fickle creatures. I don’t need a reason to change my mind. It’s been done and you should just accept it and be thankful I no longer plot to murder you in your sleep.”
I am a strong, independent unicorn, and I will not take your shit.”
“This one time, I got fisted by a large selkie named Honest Frank. His name was a bit of a misnomer because everyone knows selkies lie about everything. That being said, he didn’t lie about punching my asshole.”
If we weren’t best friends and he weren’t protected by law since he was a magical creature, I would have skinned him alive and made him into a nice area rug.
“You made a bard sing a song about Ryan and me called ‘Cheesy Dicks and Candlesticks,’”
“Some of us want to get married and have babies, and others of us want to be tied up by a centaur and spanked.”
“I think I understand why everyone adores you. You’re a conundrum wrapped in an enigma in a package built of twink.”
“I’m a dragon, and maybe if you’re lucky, I’ll be dragon my balls across your face later.”
You know what they say, once you go dragon, all the rest is just laggin’.”
Kevin was sitting on the edge of the roof, like an overgrown stone gargoyle, tail curled out along the side of the keep. If it weren’t for the fact that his name was Kevin and that he wanted me to suck on his penis, I would have thought him an extraordinary beast. Unfortunately, he’d colored my perceptions and all I wanted to do was cover my mouth so no one could accuse me of having dick lips again.
“How are you going to explain your dragon lover to the King?” I asked, unable to think of anything else to say. “Easy,” Kevin said. “I’m young, hung, and have absolutely no refractory period.”
You’re not my knight in shining armor. You’re a dick in dented tin.”
“Get down with your bad self,” Gary muttered. “We don’t need no mens.” “Tiggy and Gary and Sam don’t need no mens,” Tiggy agreed.
“I promise, because when I look upon these stars, there is nothing I wish for more than you.”
I have seen many, many things. But I have never seen one look at another the way the knight looks at you.”
Kevin, I’ll be honest with you. I think you’ve got a problem.” His eyes narrowed. “What problem?” “You’re a hoarder.” “Uh, no shit. I’m a dragon.” “No, but, like, you really hoard.” “I like shiny, pretty things!” “Push brooms aren’t shiny or pretty.” “You shut your whore mouth,” Kevin snarled.
I swear to you on all I have, you will never get to sample all of Gary’s goods because the bakery will be closed, and girl, let me tell you. My muffin is delicious.”
“All my stuff,” Kevin said mournfully, rubbing his claws over his treasures. “All my pretty, pretty things.” “We’ll come back,” I said, daring to reach out and touch his leg. “I promise.” “But what if someone steals it?” “You mean like you did?” I asked. “Yes,” he said, completely oblivious. “Exactly like that.”
“Why were your scarves even out?” “Er.” “We were trying to see which ones could be used to tie him up,” Kevin said. “For sexual things. Spoiler: it was all of them.” “Oh my gods,” I gagged. “Stop it. Go get your fucking scarves.”
An hour later, things got gross. I was lying by the fire listening to Tiggy snore next to me and watching the stars above when I heard it echoing through the trees. At first, I thought it sounded like a ghost eating feral cats. And then I thought it might have been monkeys fighting with peeled, wet oranges. But then I heard, “OOOOH, KEVIN. OH. MY. FUCKING. GODS. HOW LONG IS YOUR TONGUE?”
“Sam,” Gary said gently. “You see, when a dragon loves a unicorn, they have a special hug they do in the forest.” “And sometimes,” Kevin said, rubbing my back with his claws, “the dragon likes to lick the unicorn’s asshole until he—” I ran screaming down the road.
Regardless of how ruthless she could be, regardless of her own claims of being cold-hearted, she was still Mama to me. My fairy drag mother. The woman who had taught me to trust myself and my instincts. Morgan could teach me magic. My parents could teach me morals. Gary and Tiggy could teach me brotherhood. But Mama taught me that while life had sharp edges, it would only cut you if you allowed it to.
“I promise to try and not make any part of you phallic in nature.” “That would be much appreciated. I have a wedding to officiate, after all. Wouldn’t want history to repeat itself.” I immediately made plans to turn every visible inch of his skin into penises. It was foolproof and I would feel better. Therefore, it was a good idea.
“I made your nose a dick,” I said. “I see the humor just fine.” “Got those urges under control now, have you?” “I’m twenty years old,” I said. “Of course not. I’m made of hormones and an overactive imagination. Be thankful nothing else has been dicked out since you got here.”
Tiggy called out, “Knight Delicious Face. Find your balls yet?”
“Sam, you will let him speak, and then, when he’s finished, you may resume your back and forth that is supposed to be snarky banter but is in actuality snarky foreplay.”
“Is he toppling Meridian City?” Ryan asked, still studying the painting. “While shooting fire from his mouth?” “It’s me taking a strong standpoint against consumerism,” I said. “You’re profeminist and antiestablishment.” “Exactly.” “By having the King being a three-breasted monster shooting fire.”
“Should I light something on fire?” he asked. “Like Justin? Or the wedding party?”
“Sam wouldn’t know what fun meant if it jerked off on his face,”
“I’m pretty sure Ryan just called off the wedding because he wants to sit on your smile.” “Whoa,” I breathed. “I am so into that.”
“That motherfucker just gave my heart a boner. Well played, Knight Delicious Face. Well played.”
“I’m pretty sure you’re about to get plowed like a field,”
“Achieving full heart boner,” Gary said. “Heart boner is imminent.”
“In case you couldn’t tell, I was about to be told how wonderful I am and how much I am loved and how I am the greatest thing in his world and he worships the ground I walk on and that I also have great hair and my sex puns are the funniest things ever. He was also probably going to kiss me and I was considering making it a little dirty even though we have an audience.”
what he was looking for, because he said, “You’re my lightning-struck heart, Sam of Wilds. I love you more than I could ever say.”
“Heart boner,” Gary moaned. “Throbbing heart boner.”
