The Lightning-Struck Heart (Tales From Verania, #1)

by T.J. Klune

“Boo, you whore,” he said. “Now it’s your turn to tell me how amazing I look.” He pranced around me in a tight circle.

The pop culture references in this are freaking brilliant

“You know how Morgan feels about frivolous magic. Magic is important. It’s not meant to be for something mundane.” “You tied my mouth shut with shiny rope,” Gary said. “That was important. I didn’t want you talking anymore. That wasn’t frivolous.”

“I am a sex god,” I said in awe. “Well. Kind of. Okay. Not really. And self-esteem is quickly deflating. Feeling sad now.”

Gods, he is funny

“Your ears are still awesome.” And he flushed.

Facepalm

“You need to stop getting captured,” he said, flourishing his sword like a badass. “I don’t think my heart can take it anymore.”

Aw

“You’re nice,” I told Todd. “That’s totally ringing. I like your ears.” Todd blushed.

OMG!

To Mervin: Don’t worry. I’m a Sam Girl too. Our secret? Ryan Foxheart

“Why?” “Because you deserve your secrets,” he said. “Much like I deserve mine.” “You have secrets?” “So many.” “Tell me,” I demanded. “We’re friends. Bros, even. Bros don’t keep secrets from each other.” “What was your meeting about today?” “Bros can totally keep secrets,” I decided.

“I just learned something new. I never want to hear the word cock come out of your mouth again.” “Because you’d rather just have cock come in your mouth instead?” “Wow,” I whispered reverently. “That…. Morgan. That was a thing of beauty. And so disgusting, coming from you. What the hell. Thank you for subjecting me to that. And I hate you.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Yes. But I swear to the gods that if you’re holding back from me and I find out what it is, I am going to rescind that awesome hug I just gave you and there will be none to follow for a very long time.”

Feel some foreshadowing here

“Anyway,” I said loudly. “Are we good? Did the Priest give us enough hoodoo so we can get the fu—fudge out? Sorry, Father.” “It’s okay,” the priest assured me. “I’m pretty sure your soul is already doomed.” “There’s the idolatry I know and avoid.”

I glanced back at my merry little band of travelers. A hornless gay unicorn. A half-giant. A knight who was a jerk but that I wanted to have for breakfast.

An adorable band of misfits

Maybe we should play a traveling game. Like ‘I Spy’ or something.” “Gary, you don’t know how to play I Spy. Every time, you mess it up and say exactly what it is you are looking at.” “I do not. Watch. I Spy with my little eye something that is the castle.”

“Hey!” I snapped. “I’m standing right here. I’m not a prize to be won.” I winced. “Oh my gods, that sounded awful to say out loud.” I looked at Gary, who was openly laughing at me. “For fuck’s sake.” “I’m not a prize to be won,” he gasped out. “That was so awesome. You go, girl. Get down with your bad self and preach. We don’t need no mens. We are fierce and hear Sam of Wilds roar.”

Hey. Hey. Look at me. What’s going on? Huh? Little guy? Why don’t you marry one of these fine-looking fairies?” I pointed out the hundred or so naked men fluttering nearby. “It’s just not the same,” he said with a sigh. “I have a size kink.”

“We went into the Dark Woods and I almost had to get gay fairy married again and now I feel really bad and Ryan got bad-touched by trees and Fairy King Dimitri was cryptic and annoying and apparently has a size kink.”

Such a way with words

The boy stuck out his chest proudly. The unicorn snorted. It came out pink. “Well,” it said. “That’s not quite what I expected. Who knew the forest was infested with twinks.”

Greatest origin story

The unicorn stared at him. Then, “Gary.” “Your name is Gary,” Sam said. “Yes.” “Ah. That’s… not very unicorn-like.” Gary scowled. “And what is unicorn-like?” Sam shrugged. “I don’t know. Like Princess Moon Cloud or Ethereal Tear or Star Shine.”

“You think a normal unicorn name is Princess Moon Cloud or Ethereal Tear or Star Shine.” “Yes.” Gary looked up at Tiggy. “Yes. We can keep him.” Tiggy

“You return from the wilds with a half-giant and a unicorn,” Morgan said. “That is very unexpected.” But the boy shook his head. “That’s not the unexpected part.” Morgan, in his infinite wisdom, said, “Oh?” “I went into the wilds alone, and I returned with friends,” Sam said. “I’ve never had a friend on my own before. And now I have two. Unexpectedly.”

That is the sweetst story

“Sir,” he said. Then he coughed. Choked, maybe. “Er. Ma’am. Lady Mama. Your Majesty.” “Oh my gods,” I groaned.

“Thank you for having me to your whorehouse.” He winced. “I mean your home. Where people pay to have sex.” “Is he broken?” Mama asked me, looking coolly amused.

“Pimps,” Ryan said. “Is that what you’re called? Pimps? Brothel owner? Whoremaster? Queen of the Fuck Palace?” “Queen of the Fuck Palace?” I repeated. “Seriously? Seriously?”

“Moishe,” Mama said. “Yes, Mama.” “Please let it be known that from this day forward, my working title for the business is now Queen of the Fuck Palace.”

“Have you ever had sex for money?” “Not in a long time,” Ryan said. “I don’t do that anymore.” He blanched. “I didn’t mean to say that out loud. How the hell…?” So I said, “What?”

What?! That was unexpected

But Mama didn’t even give him time to think. “Mead or cider?” “Cider.” “Oceans or mountains?” “Mountains.” “Brisket or lamb?” “Brisket.” “Topping or bottoming?” “Both,” he said. Then, “Wait. What?” “Sweet molasses,” I whispered. “Well, then,” Mama said. “Versatile. My, oh my. My day just got far more interesting.” “How do you do that?” Ryan demanded.

“Do you still keep in touch with the couple you wedded?” I asked him innocently. “I bet they look back on their ceremony fondly. Or was that question too nosy?” “Did you just make a pun about giving him a dick nose?” Ryan asked me, sounding amused.

Jesus i am wheezing tbis is so fucking funny

“I’m talking to a hornless unicorn named Gary. It’s already pretty weird.” “Point. Now. First things first. When are you going to sink your ass down on his cock?” I tripped and almost fell. “Hmm,” Gary said with a frown. “Maybe I should have gone with a different approach.”

“Don’t be a cunt, Gary.” I winced. “Okay, time out from the fighting. Can we all agree never to use that word? It’s awful and disrespectful and I don’t even know why I said it. I apologize profusely and beg your forgiveness.”

Zal shook his head. “I think I understand why everyone adores you. You’re a conundrum wrapped in an enigma in a package built of twink.”

“I can’t tell,” the second Dark said. “The UST is killing me, though. They’re like Russ and Rochelle from that serial story you read in the newspaper.” “Oooh, you mean ‘Companions’? I love that story. It’s always will they or won’t they and I just want to push their faces together and scream at them to kiss.”

“Why don’t you just do some magic?” Ryan asked, and for some reason, his pupils dilated and his voice went slightly hoarse. “You could… uh. You know. Do magic. All over them. Just. Get it out there and do it.”

“I can do things that others can only dream about.” “Ungh,” Ryan said. “That shit is so hot.” Everyone turned to stare at him. He was bright red. “I said that out loud, didn’t I? Dammit.” “What?” I squeaked. “When you do magic, it turns me on,” Ryan said, shaking his head frantically.

“Ah gods. I can’t—stop. Just stop. Ahhh, I get erections when you cast spells. Oh shit.”

“When you do anything, I get hard, really. Even your ridiculous sex puns. You remember when you wrapped those Dark wizards in stone at the restaurant?” “Yeah,” I managed to say. “I wanted to tell you that you gave me an e-rock-tion.” He bent over and banged his forehead against the table.

he said. “I felt guilty for three days and then I did it again. Your mouth.” “What’s wrong with my mouth?” “Nothing,” Ryan said. “Except for the fact that it doesn’t have my dick in it and holy fuck, this needs to stop.”

“You won’t even believe how many spells I can do. Flora Bora Slam, motherfucker.” Our lips were inches apart. “I want you to Flora Bora Slam me,” Ryan said and I just choked.

Aaaaah I am dying

“Is that what you want, pretty?” the dragon asked. “I’m a dragon, and maybe if you’re lucky, I’ll be dragon my balls across your face later.” So, that happened. “Um. That might have been too much.”

“A virgin?” it asked, leering at me as we circled the keep. “Well, now. That certainly is unexpected. I suddenly feel the urge to despoil you completely. You know what they say, once you go dragon, all the rest is just laggin’.”

“Justin.” “I think I might love you,” the dragon blurted out. I prayed to the gods he wasn’t talking to me. And he wasn’t. He was staring right at Justin. “Heh,” I said. “Awesome.” “What?” Justin said. “Your face,” the dragon said. “I want to do things to it.”

“Baby,” Kevin cooed to Justin. “I don’t even. No, baby. Look at me. You’re the only man for me. Hey. Hey. Look at me. Look at me, Bright Eyes. Hey. Who’s my big strong Prince? Hmm? Hey. I don’t. Not anymore. That was so long ago. Before I even met you. I was a different dragon back then.” “Um,” I said. “That was, like, weeks ago. And you also said I had lips made for sucking cock when you kidnapped me. And you just said you wanted a sexual relationship with me. Like five minutes ago.”

“Hey. No. Listen. I didn’t mean it. Baby. Look at me. Hey. You’re the only one for me. I don’t care if he’s got cock-sucking lips.”

“Yeah, Sam, gods,” Kevin said. “It’s not always about sex, even if you have those lips made for dick.” “He’s very sexually aggressive,” I told Justin. “I don’t think you should sleep with him.” “Stop cockblocking me!” the dragon hissed.

“How are you going to explain your dragon lover to the King?” I asked, unable to think of anything else to say. “Easy,” Kevin said. “I’m young, hung, and have absolutely no refractory period.”

“Weird,” Justin said. “Maybe I liked it better when I couldn’t understand you. Is that what you’ve been saying to me this whole time?” “Not at first.” “Really? How long did it take?” “Four minutes.”

If what he thought it was happened to be Ryan riding Gary full-out into the valley, sword and shield drawn, Tiggy running at their sides, hands balled into gigantic fists as they hurtled themselves toward the keep, then yes. Gary looked majestic as fuck, mane flying back around his head where he wore a makeshift battle helmet that I’d never seen before, nostrils flaring, coat gleaming. I reminded myself to tell him later.

Holy shit

“Prepare, dragon!” Ryan shouted. “For today, you will meet your end!” Justin and I both snorted.

“Can’t you see? Sam. Sam. Gods. It’s—there. It’s here.” He grabbed my hand and held it over his chest. I could feel the rapid beat of his heart underneath my fingers. “It’s here. Ever since I first saw you, you’ve been with me. I couldn’t have forced you away if I tried. I’m sorry I made an oath. I did it because I thought it was the right thing to do. And I’m sorry that I can’t break it. But you have to believe me that it’s always been you. I promise. I promise.” His voice cracked and my hands shook. “I promise, because when I look upon these stars, there is nothing I wish for more than you.”

“WHY DON’T WE JUST FLY HOME?” Gary asked. “It’d only take a few days.” “Humans don’t ride upon my back,” Kevin said. “It’s racist.” Gary swooned.

“And then you ate her.” He grimaced. “Not my finest moment. But she was a threat and now she’s not, so I guess it worked out in the end. And eventually, she’ll work her way out of my end. Ironic, don’t you think?”