The Lightning-Struck Heart (Tales From Verania, #1)

by T.J. Klune

Of course he didn’t listen. Villains never do. That’s why they suck. A lot.

“Horse?” Gary snarled. The pretty unicorn act dropped immediately. Red sparks shot from his nose. “Did you just call me a horse? Listen here, you two-legged bag of shit. I’m not a motherfucking horse. I am a unicorn, and I am magic and a beautiful creature made of fucking sunshine and rainbows and good feelings.”

“Yes. It might have gone better in my head.” “I have a feeling that sums up your life perfectly.” Since I was too young to understand I was being insulted, I beamed and said, “Thank you!”

“He was monologuing!” I said to Morgan. “You know how I feel about villains monologuing. Seriously, just do what you’re going to do and stop telling people about it.”

I winked at myself in the mirror and then realized that’s what douchebags did, so I vowed to never do it again.

The dragon roared behind us. And if that wasn’t a sound to make you shit yourself, I didn’t know what was.

Mom said, “He didn’t want to sleep with you so he knocked you through a building? That’s rude. He could have just moved on.” Dad said, “You can do better than the dragon. You are awesome and you dress nice and I like your hair and your jokes.”

“He was being an asshole,” I said. “He deserved it. What a dick knocker. Fucking candy-ass bitch whore.” “The angrier you are, the less your insults make sense,” Gary observed. “It’s adorable.”

The unicorn snorted. It came out pink. “Well,” it said. “That’s not quite what I expected. Who knew the forest was infested with twinks.”

I haven’t decided if I want to have sex with men or women yet. I’m only fourteen. I still have time to decide.” “Honey bear,” the unicorn said. “You are the gayest thing I’ve seen since I last saw my own reflection.”

“That pretty much sums up how we all feel about Sam,” Gary said. “Fond with strong overtures of horror.”

“Dude. Knock it off. You’re not my knight in shining armor. You’re a dick in dented tin.”

“You’re very strange,” I said after a while. “Dragons usually are,” he said. “But.” I hesitated, unsure of my place. “You said that you’d never met any other dragons.” “We’re giant lizards that fly and breathe fire,” he said. “That’s strange in itself. I’m just generalizing.”

Regardless of how ruthless she could be, regardless of her own claims of being cold-hearted, she was still Mama to me. My fairy drag mother. The woman who had taught me to trust myself and my instincts. Morgan could teach me magic. My parents could teach me morals. Gary and Tiggy could teach me brotherhood. But Mama taught me that while life had sharp edges, it would only cut you if you allowed it to.

“You’re a big bag of assholes, Randall,” I gritted out. “You flipping toe remover. I’ll corrugate your metatarsals.” “Uh-oh, everyone,” Gary said. “Sam is hurling nonsensical insults. That means he’s pissed off. Watch out. Wouldn’t want your feelings to be semihurt and confused.”

“People wonder why I am the way I am,” I said. “I tell them it’s because I was always told to respect my elders and these are my elders.”

“First,” he said. “You don’t ever have to do anything you don’t want to do. If you are uncomfortable, if something hurts, you tell him to stop and he will. If he doesn’t, you curse his fucking ass, find me, and I will murder him. Are we clear?”

Ryan. If you hurt him, Tiggy and I will tear you to pieces and bathe in your blood. Your soul will be torn from your body and we’ll trap it in an enchanted urn. I will then light the urn on fire and Kevin will eat it. Soon, you would be nothing but a pile of dragon shit. Are we clear?”