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GODMOTHER No. Because the lighting’s never good enough and – (gestures lightly to Fleabag) – if you’re not photogenic it does you no favours.
GODMOTHER Is it because he’s Mummy’s favourite? PRIEST Because he’s a paedophile.
MARTIN I – I just wanted to say. (beat) I’m so intrigued to see how you’re going to make this whole evening about you.
evil evil man
CLAIRE Yes, I completely agree. Positive energy takes work. In the last six months I have excelled. I just take all the negative feelings and just bottle them and bury them. And they never come out. PRIEST That’s not really how I would— CLAIRE I’ve basically never been better!
CLAIRE I think it’s all about positivity. It takes real commitment to be this happy. It’s not just drinking and eating well either. Putting pine nuts in your salad doesn’t make you a grown-up. FLEABAG (to camera) Fucking does.
Well, in Finland they have a saying that I can’t quite remember now, but it’s about being open to the people who want to love you.
CLAIRE (hard) Get your hands – off – (beat) – my miscarriage!
GODMOTHER How far gone were you? DAD You should go to the hospital. GODMOTHER Whose was it? DAD Maybe save that for later? GODMOTHER Was it the tooth man? DAD Hospital now darling. GODMOTHER But the bill? Sit down. PRIEST I’ll cover her. I’ll cover you.
PRIEST Please be seated. They start to sit. FLEABAG (by accident) And also with you. Her voice echoes through the church. The Priest looks up at her. They hold eye contact for a second. He smiles. She smiles back.
There is another painting of Jesus, scantily clad in a loin cloth, another fully dressed woman kneeling at his feet, touching his thigh. FLEABAG (to camera, slightly aroused and shocked) Jesus.
PRIEST Oh really, and what makes you a normal person? FLEABAG Well I don’t believe in God— In that moment the hot painting of Jesus falls off the wall. Fleabag jumps. She looks at the Priest. He laughs. PRIEST I love it when He does that.
GODMOTHER You know, I have six friends – FLEABAG (to camera) A lie.
COUNSELLOR And what have you found in your abstinence? FLEABAG Well I’m very horny and your little scarf isn’t helping.
FLEABAG I have friends. COUNSELLOR Oh, so you do have someone to talk to. FLEABAG Yeah. She winks at the camera.
HARRY Uh yeah – I used to be her – girlfriend. PRIEST Cool! Good for you! Harry smiles. Not realising what he said.
FLEABAG (to camera) Put her in a quiet room with a nice breeze and she’ll have a panic attack.
Women are born with pain built in. It’s our physical destiny. Period pains, sore boobs, child birth, you know. We carry it within ourselves throughout our lives. Men don’t. They have to seek it out. They invent all sorts of gods and demons and things so they can feel guilty about things, which is something we do very well on our own. Then they create wars so they can feel things and touch each other, and when there aren’t any wars they play rugby.
FLEABAG Except most people are — BELINDA What? FLEABAG Shit. BELINDA Look at me. (beat) Listen. (beat) People are all we’ve got.
FLEABAG Yes I just … fancied a drink. (to camera) And a priest.
FLEABAG Do you think I should become a Catholic? PRIEST No, don’t do that. I like that you believe in a meaningless existence. You’re good for me. You make me question my faith. FLEABAG And? Beat. PRIEST I’ve never felt closer to God.
She begins slowly to stand, involuntarily. She’s more surprised than anyone. FLEABAG (to camera) Oh my God, oh my God. What am I going to say, what am I going to say …? (to the room) I sometimes worry — (beat) — that I wouldn’t be such a feminist if I had bigger tits.
PRIEST What is that? FLEABAG What? PRIEST That thing. That you’re doing … it’s like you disappear.
CLAIRE Oh, what the hell, you look incredible. BOO We’re trying to mess her up. FLEABAG I don’t know, no matter what I do with my hair, it just keeps falling in this really chic way.
FLEABAG (tearful) With all the love I have for her. I don’t know … where to – put it now.
FLEABAG You Ok, Father? PRIEST Fuck you, calling me Father, like it doesn’t turn you on just to say it.
PRIEST I fucking love Winnie the Pooh. I can’t read a Winnie the Pooh quote without crying. Fuck. Piglet.
FLEABAG No, I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning … I want someone to tell me what to eat, what to like, what to hate, what to rage about, what to listen to, what band to like, what to buy tickets for, what to joke about, what not to joke about. I want someone to tell me what to believe in, who to vote for, who to love and how to … tell them. (beat) I just think I want someone to tell me how to live my life, Father, because so far, I think I’ve been getting it wrong.
PRIEST Please don’t come to the church again. Beat. PRIEST I mean that with the greatest of compliments.
CLAIRE I look like a pencil.
CLAIRE Oh my God, that’s amazing! What does he do? FLEABAG He’s a priest. Claire lets her head fall forwards and holds her temples. For ages. Ages.
CLAIRE (sighs) It’s going to be a lovely day, isn’t it. FLEABAG (sighs) I’m afraid so.
GODMOTHER (beat) Do you know, I often thought it strange that of all my pieces you chose to take her. FLEABAG Why? Godmother looks at the statue in her hand. She smiles. GODMOTHER She was based on your mother.
margaret and boo haunting the narrative fr
MARTIN Wait, what the fuck is going on here? It was my baby? CLAIRE I guess it was your baby’s way of saying it didn’t want you as its father. (beat, pointed) Like a goldfish out the bowl, sort of thing.
I don’t make you feel guilty for not having sex with me. I AM NOT A BAD GUY, I just have a bad personality.
ugh this man is the WORST
So I am not going to leave you until you are down on your knees begging me. Beat. Fleabag looks at Claire. Claire gets on her knees. CLAIRE Please leave me.
DAD And neither are you, darling. (beat) I mean … I’m sorry … I love you – but I’m not sure that I like you. (beat) All the time. Sorry.
DAD You’re the way you are because of her. (beat) And it’s those bits that you need to cling to.
DAD I think you know how to love better than any of us. That’s why you find it all so painful.
CLAIRE The only person I’d run through the airport for is you.
okay although I do have a sister, because of our age gap I've never really experienced & related to the way sister relationships are portrayed in a LOT of media but this - yea.
PRIEST I was taught that if we’re born with love, then life is about choosing the right place to put it. People talk about that a lot. It ‘feeling right’. ‘When it feels right, it’s easy.’ But I’m not sure that’s true. It takes strength to know what’s right. (beat) And love isn’t something that weak people do. Being a romantic takes a hell of a lot of hope. I think what they mean is … When you find somebody that you love … It feels like hope.
FLEABAG (CONT’D) I love you. They sit with the words. Pause. She looks at him. He takes her hand. PRIEST (gently) It’ll pass.
