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It is a love story.
Do I have a MASSIVE arsehole?
I’m not trying to shag you, look at yourself!
FLEABAG Perv. BANK MANAGER Slut. FLEABAG WOW.
I had to do a flash poo in Pret.
have two degrees, a husband and a Burberry coat.
You shat in a sink.
Please raise your hands, if you would trade five years of your life for the so-called ‘perfect body’? Fleabag and Claire raise their hands instinctively. Everyone stares at them. They put their hands down guiltily.
We are bad feminists.
Oh fuck it. I have a horrible feeling that I am a greedy, perverted, selfish, apathetic, cynical, depraved, morally bankrupt woman who can’t even call herself a feminist.
To be fair. She’s not an evil stepmother. (beat) She’s just a cunt.
Tits don’t get you anywhere these days. Trust me.
Two women. One real. One not. Both with their innate femininity out. She looks at the camera and smiles.
God, I can’t wait to be old.
Yeah. Vet says she’s depressed. MARTIN (to Hilary) Aren’t we all, girl.
I don’t think you have to be alone to be lonely.
It’s really all that humans want. Is to be loved. And to be touched.
You’re not born sad. FLEABAG Some people are.
This is a love story.
Love the Catholics. You can get away with anything.
PRIEST Oh fun! My parents were alcoholics!
FLEABAG (to camera) No one’s asked me a question in forty-five min— PRIEST (to Fleabag) So what do you do? Everyone stops and stares at Fleabag. She’s shocked. She looks at him. FLEABAG I run a café. PRIEST Oh, cool!
CLAIRE The priest was quite hot. FLEABAG So hot.
I’m a big reader with no friends.
Just a girl with no friends and an empty heart.
I want to fuck a priest.
understand. Do you really want to fuck the priest or do you want to fuck God?
Women are born with pain built in. It’s our physical destiny. Period pains, sore boobs, child birth, you know. We carry it within ourselves throughout our lives. Men don’t. They have to seek it out. They invent all sorts of gods and demons and things so they can feel guilty about things, which is something we do very well on our own. Then they create wars so they can feel things and touch each other, and when there aren’t any wars they play rugby. We already have it all going on in here, inside.
It’s not a party until someone flirts with you.
People are all we’ve got. So grab the night by the nipples and go and flirt with someone.
BELINDA What had Jesus done by thirty-three? FLEABAG Died? BELINDA Exactly. So get out there and flirt.
I like that you believe in a meaningless existence.
FLEABAG But what if you meet someone you like? PRIEST I talk and drink and laugh and give them bibles and hope they eventually leave me alone.
Fuck you, calling me Father, like it doesn’t turn you on just to say it.
I fucking love Winnie the Pooh. I can’t read a Winnie the Pooh quote without crying. Fuck. Piglet.
I just think I want someone to tell me how to live my life, Father, because so far, I think I’ve been getting it wrong.
PRIEST Please don’t come to the church again.
CLAIRE I look like a pencil.
FLEABAG CLAIRE, IT’S FRENCH.
Hair. Is. Everything. We wish it wasn’t so we could actually think about something else occasionally. But it is. It’s the difference between a good day and a bad day. We’re meant to think that it is a symbol of power, a symbol of fertility, some people are exploited for it and it pays your fucking bills. Hair is everything, Anthony.
CLAIRE Oh my God, that’s amazing! What does he do? FLEABAG He’s a priest.
I can’t be physical with you. FLEABAG We can’t even wrestle?
PRIEST I can’t have sex with you because I’ll fall in love with you and if I fall in love with you, I won’t burst into flames, but … my life will be fucked.
Oh fucking hell. I don’t know – I don’t know – oh I don’t know what this feeling is. FLEABAG Is it God or is it me? PRIEST I don’t know …
Some people are just born with fucked personalities.
I think you know how to love better than any of us. That’s why you find it all so painful.
Love is awful! It’s awful. It’s painful. It’s frightening, it makes you doubt yourself, judge yourself, distance yourself from other people in your life. Makes you selfish. Makes you creepy. It makes you obsessed with your hair. Makes you cruel. Makes you say and do things you never thought you would do.
And love isn’t something that weak people do. Being a romantic takes a hell of a lot of hope. I think what they mean is … When you find somebody that you love … It feels like hope.
It’s 46 minutes until the next bus.
FLEABAG It’s God, isn’t it? Beat. PRIEST Yeah.
