Existential Kink: Unmask Your Shadow and Embrace Your Power (A method for getting what you want by getting off on what you don't)

by Carolyn Elliott

Here's an example: one of my clients, Elsie, used to get tremendously anxious whenever she felt criticized or judged by someone in her social group. She practiced Existential Kink on the matter and discovered that the very same sensations that she had initially perceived as painful anxiety were actually kinky excitement. This reminded me of psychotherapist Fritz Perls' famous observation: “Fear is just excitement without breath.” In other words, fear is just excitement without embrace and approval for the sensations. Through EK, Elsie discovered that she actually loved the intensity of attention and the feeling of theatrical momentousness that came with being criticized. Indeed, it turned her on immensely. It literally created arousal in her body: flushed cheeks, a faster heartbeat—the same physiological response that comes from being alone with a lover. When Elsie got very honest with herself and looked at her behavior, she noticed that she would unconsciously provoke people into confronting her with criticism because she got so much shadowy satisfaction out of it.

So to emphasize: focus on allowing yourself to take sadomasochistic pleasure in the sensations and emotions stirred up by your “don't like” situation. Don't put your energy into trying to get yourself to like the bare facts of what you “don't like.”

5) Gently allow yourself to get in touch with the part of yourself that actually, passionately enjoys the feelings and emotions associated with your “don't like” situation. This step of the Existential Kink meditation process is to take some time to gently, vulnerably allow yourself to get in touch with the previously unconscious, kinky part of you that enjoys this “don't like” situation. Consider that fear or aversion and desire always go hand-in-hand.

Remember, “having is evidence of wanting”—if there's a situation or a feeling that's present in your life, no matter how awful it is, it's present with you not because it's “true” or “real” but because some part of the vast, strange, kinky Self that you are finds it fascinating, compelling, beautiful. And it's time to let that part of yourself and its taboo pleasures come to your conscious agreement and embrace. Softly, temporarily put aside your ego and your usual judgments about who you are and what you want. To increase your self-honesty here, it can help to strongly imagine that the “don't like” situation will be utterly and completely removed from your life in just one month from now, as if “by the hand of God.” Since the “don't like” situation is going to be inevitably, totally removed anyway (you allow yourself to imagine), you can relax, open up, and allow yourself to feel just how very much a secret, taboo part of you enjoys it and cherishes it right now. That part of you has been silent up to now because your conscious mind has been shaming the enjoyment of the “bad” things in life, like scarcity, rejection, and self-hatred. So you need to carefully coax it out. Experiment with playfully saying the following EK statements to yourself: “I'm willing to stop pretending I don't enjoy XYZ tremendously.” or “I'm willing to allow myself to know about my secret, weird pleasure in XYZ.” or “It's okay for me to feel my forbidden, wicked enjoyment of XYZ without having to j...

Alternatively, you can take a coy, indirect, teasing approach to help disarm the defenses of the conscious mind. So sometimes in EK I like to say things to myself with sexy sarcasm (as if begging a devastatingly hot Dom not to whip me): “Oh no no no, not feeling wrong & bad, anything but that! Please, please, no, I just can't stand feeling . . . mmmmm . . . wrong & bad!” It's a bit silly, I know, but it works. Often the enjoyment in Existential Kink can be felt as jolts of electricity or genital sensation. Just as often it can be felt as a movement of emotional energy. Sometimes it's felt as lightness and laughter, or just a soft sense of relief. That's “getting off” in Existential Kink. “Getting off” in EK means that you successfully find your vein of previously unconscious enjoyment (and that you let yourself shamelessly celebrate it) in a deep way that gives a sense of release.

Get on the side of your shadow (your previously unconscious sense of desire/curiosity/enjoyment) and deliberately, consciously, humbly allow yourself to receive, feel big gratitude for, and get off on the situation your unconscious so brilliantly created. This part of the Existential Kink process is crucial. Until you deliberately let your unconscious self fully receive and enjoy and delight in the situation and emotions she's creating (however “fucked up” it may be), that situation will just hang around and stay the same. The scarcity/romantic rejection/self-hatred will stay there, because your unconscious will keep just keep enjoying what she enjoys. Why? because you haven't consciously given her the freedom to shamelessly receive and experience the fulfillment of her desire, to receive and delight in all the bloody, operatic, nasty, spectacular fulfillment of her perfectly reasonable enjoyment of scarcity/romantic rejection/self-hatred, etc. It is through gratitude, deep receiving, and orgasmically enjoying the result you've already created (unconsciously) that you make space for your conscious and unconscious minds to sexually (magically) merge, fertilize each other, and eventually give birth to a new upward spiral of positive synchronicity in your life.

You can experiment with more EK statements like: “This unconscious enjoyment matters just as much as any other enjoyment in my life.” “My enjoyment of this fucked-up stuff is just as worthwhile and important as my enjoyment of sunshine and roses.” “I honor this desire. I respect it. I'm allowed to enjoy this as exactly much as I do.” “I embrace and receive these sensations.” “I'm willing to feel the depth of my love for this.” “I open up to feeling wild, insane gratitude and excitement about these sensations and this situation.” This is the “kink” part of Existential Kink. In BDSM kink, people get off on things that they normally don't like. Pain, flogging, being bossed around. Well, in life in general, we have the same opportunity to interact playfully with pain. All we need to do is shift the context in our imagination from one of “awful thing happening to me against my will” to “kinky fun thing happening that I fully consent to.” Get off on this thing, this situation, this feeling that your ego thinks that you hate. Feel the freedom of that, the liberation of it. Allow yourself to be touched by the magnetism and electric spark of the “awful” thing that's present.

Like “Ooooooh, what if I somehow forget something totally important and then I just FAIL and everyone, the whole internet, just hates me, for good reason, because I completely suck. . . .” You get the idea. I was basically obsessed with how hot and vulnerable it would be if I totally screwed something up. So when I really let myself feel that, it helped make it clear to me that my anxiety is something I choose to do to myself instead of some horrible automatic fate I can't control. And then once I saw that, it was a lot easier to let it go. You can also do this kind of future-oriented EK on discomfort associated with completing tasks that you usually avoid, but that you know are good for you, like deep cleaning your home or cooking and eating lots of vegetables.

So, I practiced doing EK on the pain and awkwardness that I imagined I would feel in doing core exercises, taking perverse pleasure in it. I reminded myself that going right into my aversions is how magic happens. A part of me still hates core exercises (and what a joy it is to hate them!), but by perversely savoring my awkwardness and hatred, I've also gotten my core much stronger than it's ever been.

Probably the biggest barrier to “getting off” in Existential Kink is feeling so much guilt about an unconscious enjoyment that we tighten up and thus refuse to feel the enjoyment and make it conscious. With especially sticky unpleasant feelings, like guilt, it can be tough to feel the pure underlying, kinky desire for that feeling, but it can be simple to get in touch with the motivation for that feeling if only we're willing to investigate. And if you think about it, finding the motivation for something is quite similar to finding the desire for it. You see, every unpleasant feeling we have has an unconscious motivation. Some part of us believes that by feeling the yucky feeling, we'll “get” something that will enhance our survival.

Does this feeling of guilt come from a sense of wanting to control the situation? By feeling guilty, do I think I'll somehow change the situation, or at least get the approval of others? Am I willing to stop trying to use this feeling of guilt to get a sense of control? Am I willing to stop trying to use this feeling of guilt to manipulate others into approving of me? Would it be okay if the ability to use guilt to get approval or control just left me? What would it be like to live my life without ever using the feeling of guilt?

Here are some example answers to the prompt: As an all-powerful being, I currently find it richly entertaining to play a game wherein it seems my ultimate value and strength are dependent on what other people think of me. . . . so I need to meet certain qualifications to “prove” that I'm valuable and “win” the game. Other people and the judgments that they have are my adversaries in this game. I'm trying to be so perfect that “they” can't possibly negatively judge me. When I play this game, I work myself into a state of feeling anxious and spread-thin. Whenever I fail to meet “the qualifications,” I get to feel guilty and afraid. The more I do this, the more separate and alienated I feel. It's amazing.

“Shame is the magic killer.”

“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness visible.” —CARL JUNG

Finding and healing the unconscious, lack-obsessed part of you with deep erotic love (not weak-sauce “acceptance”) is the essence of Existential Kink.

Do Existential Kink on both the pain of pursuing your desire and the pain of not already having it, (i.e., the pain of your current “don't like” situation of not yet having the new boyfriend, or the completed novel, or the cash, or the liberation of all sentient beings). I really just dare you to cherish both kinds of pain, as they're equally wonderful. At the end of three months, if you've stayed focused on pursuing your reason-less desire, you will have your shit vastly more together than it is right now. At such a juncture, either decide to keep pursuing the same reason-less desire, or choose a new one.

The idea behind Deepest Fear Inventory comes from Marianne Williamson's famous, wise observation in her book A Return to Love, that “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond all measure.” Many of us would do anything to avoid the intense sensations of having giant power.

Uncover your real values and commitments, the ones you actually already live by, the ones that actually govern your moment-to-moment actions and emotions, and fully, consciously embrace them, at least temporarily. To fully, consciously embrace your sadistic “operating instructions” is to stop shaming your villainous sadistic aggression and instead to celebrate it.

Here's example “operating instructions” to get you started: I will guilt myself for at least three hours if I offend or disappoint anyone for any reason. Feeling supported and safe is utterly forbidden, no matter what. I must always find flaws with the people stupid enough to love me. I am totally, 100% committed to doubting my own value and worth. If I fail to meet any of my responsibilities, I will hate myself intensely. I am utterly not allowed to feel total self-forgiveness. Feeling a little bit of self-forgiveness is okay, but feeling total self-forgiveness is not allowed, ever. The more I reject my own work and being, the more I can get approval from authority figures. I completely agree that my value is fully dependent upon other people's perception of me. I decide to relentlessly shame and repress my aggressive and sexual feelings towards others so that I can only experience them as free-floating anxiety or depression. I am 1000% committed to insulting myself whenever I fail at anything. My deepest value is to feel bad about myself and to help my loved ones feel bad about themselves by relentlessly pointing out the ways they let me down.

Next, try treating your list like “reverse psychology affirmations.” Read these affirmations in front of the mirror in the morning with great enthusiasm or with a Disney villain cackle every day for the next week and see what happens. Remember, the point of this exercise is never to bring yourself down. The point is to notice what inner sadistic prohibitions are already operating in you at a previously unconscious level and to make those prohibitions explicit and conscious by spelling them out, giving them your full conscious agreement, and savoring their extreme Villain-esque sadistic ridiculousness. When you make them totally explicit and experiment with consciously agreeing with them, you easily see how over-the-top gonzo nuts they are, and your heart just lets them go.