Existential Kink: Unmask Your Shadow and Embrace Your Power (A method for getting what you want by getting off on what you don't)

by Carolyn Elliott

Here's an example: one of my clients, Elsie, used to get tremendously anxious whenever she felt criticized or judged by someone in her social group. She practiced Existential Kink on the matter and discovered that the very same sensations that she had initially perceived as painful anxiety were actually kinky excitement. This reminded me of psychotherapist Fritz Perls' famous observation: “Fear is just excitement without breath.” In other words, fear is just excitement without embrace and approval for the sensations. Through EK, Elsie discovered that she actually loved the intensity of attention and the feeling of theatrical momentousness that came with being criticized. Indeed, it turned her on immensely. It literally created arousal in her body: flushed cheeks, a faster heartbeat—the same physiological response that comes from being alone with a lover. When Elsie got very honest with herself and looked at her behavior, she noticed that she would unconsciously provoke people into confronting her with criticism because she got so much shadowy satisfaction out of it.