The Highly Sensitive Parent: Be Brilliant in Your Role, Even When the World Overwhelms You

by Elaine N. Aron

HS parents need help raising our children rather than trying to tough it out, as we may see others do.

But in 1979, they had already established that children benefited when parents were sensitive in some measurable sense, and research continues to demonstrate that.

The more that is learned about parenting in general, the more we know that the key to successful parenting is being attuned and responsive, even when setting reasonable limits.

Attunement is especially important for raising highly sensitive boys,

A new HS parent seeing a baby stroller go by might have literally dozens of thoughts about it: The likely cost, the various features (cupholder, sunshade), what would happen if it tipped over, details about the person pushing the stroller, and a lightning-fast comparison with other strollers. If she already has one, she may still make comparisons and wonder if she bought the right one. A non-HS parent might not even notice the stroller.

It is true that emotions do sometimes cause people, HSPs included, to act without reflection, and sometimes in irrational ways. If your home burned down or you were shamed in front of the class for not knowing an answer in the past, you are likely to become anxious in a present-day situation that is even remotely like the original traumatic one—a whiff of smoke, or being asked to answer a question in front of a group. As an HSP, you react more to both positive and negative experiences. If you have had many negative ones, your continuing reactions to them can interfere with rational thought part of the time—but certainly not all of the time.

A non-HS friend might say you are being “OCD,” obsessed with details.

Yet another way in which you vary is how difficult your child has been to raise—that is, to what degree they are distractible, highly active, emotionally dramatic, impulsive, inflexible, or persistent. Or they may be highly sensitive, too, and perhaps cautiously observing before trying new things, bothered by even mild noise or rough handling, and easily made anxious. None of these temperament extremes are abnormal.

work harder to do a good job, which can be an enormous drain on any parent—but on the highly sensitive ones in particular.

I think overall parenting has overwhelmed me. First, the job never ends. Second, the expectation from other parents and moms. If I tried to be like other non-HSP moms, I would probably survive one day and would pay for it for months.

From my research survey, it is clear that sensitive parents are more stressed and overstimulated by parenting than parents without the trait. For example, HS parents were more likely to agree with two survey statements than parents who were less highly sensitive: “I do not get enough downtime” and “Getting enough sleep as a parent has been a problem.”

Empathy is emotionally tiring.

All HSPs work hard at processing and feel their feelings more intensely, including empathy for others. They are quicker and more accurate when it comes to detecting subtle differences. And they are more stressed after hours of being so sensitive. You can’t have one without the other.

Once you are nearly out of energy, you will be left vulnerable to being overwhelmed by noise, clutter, and demands for attention. Being more easily stressed and eventually overwhelmed is just a fact of life for HS parents, especially those with young children, and most especially those with more than one young child.

Then there is stimulation from two sources or more—for instance, your children talking to you when you are on the phone or trying to figure out a recipe.

How compassionately you treat yourself in your thoughts can make a huge difference in the amount you stimulate yourself from the inside. Self-criticism is exhausting.

Humans evolved within extended families and tribes in which older siblings, grandmothers, and just about anyone regularly took over for the mother so that she could recover from stress, care for an even younger child, or return to working as the ablest adult. Why have we lost track of the naturalness of multiple caregivers?

Interestingly, it is more stressful for me to try and ignore the crying than to do something about it—even when this involves getting closer to the source of noise.

Monitor your energy levels. One respondent said to imagine a pie and keep one third for the morning, one third for the afternoon, and one third for the evening. Once you use up the third allotted for that

I hate mess and disorder, and I was very house-proud before the kids came along. I have had to let go of that a bit, and the mess is sometimes so distressing for me that I cease to function and have to walk away or I will blow up.

For all HSPs, the key to avoiding overstimulation is boundaries. That is, saying no.

But you cannot necessarily say no to young children. They really do need help or care,

Part of saying no is letting the house go sometimes, and saying no to guilt. Have some easy meals on hand, even if they do not meet your highest standards for nutrition. In particular, sleeping must come before housework or anything else. When you have time, consider saying no to everything but sleep.

Make a list of the reasons why you had children and another list of everything you are grateful for about your child and partner. Read these over when you most need the reminder.

But when we are stressed or afraid, our view of life contracts. When we settle down, it expands.

In my experience, differential susceptibility also impacts self-care. If your needs were well met in childhood, you may be exceptionally good at taking care of yourself as an HS parent. If you experienced neglect or intrusive caregiving that met someone else’s needs more than your own, you may not be as good at this.

Every HS parent (maybe with some rare exceptions) needs some help.

Your need for help is not just because HS parents are “high maintenance.” HS parents do have more needs to meet for themselves so they can fulfill their exceptional capacity to parent.

If you need help, you just need it. That doesn’t make you a less capable or worse parent.

“It just seems wrong not to have two people there at once. A young child needs constant attention, and one person alone simply cannot give it.”

Even with child care, the main consideration for the HS parent is that without some housekeeping help at home, you have no downtime, but must go from work to child-rearing and household chores without a break.

Mainly, when both parents work, you need to see that you do not both have stressful jobs,

The choices that I have to make daily are completely overwhelming, and I become frozen by all the decisions.

many HS parents don’t have the energy that other parents

Perhaps the biggest reason to become more familiar with your emotional regulation methods is that you are teaching them to your child.

1. Accept your feelings. 2. Do not be ashamed of feelings. 3. Believe you can cope as well as others do. 4. Trust that your bad feelings will not last long. 5. Assume there’s hope—you can do something about your bad feelings eventually.

Our emotions come through our bodies, so we can change our emotions through changing our bodies. That’s why, again, we need downtime no matter what. And it needs to be efficient—a little time, a lot of calming.

With new stressors in your lives, you and your partner, HS or not, are probably speaking more sharply to each other. Getting irritable. You can hear it in each other’s voices. Neither of you likes it, but the HS parent is probably more distressed by it, more aware of it, and feeling more that it needs to stop—and quite possibly the one doing it more often.

My husband, a non-HSP, struggled in the beginning to accept that I can’t do it all, and that I need frequent, regular planned breaks and distractions. In truth, I still have to stand my ground to get this time. But I know he can keep going when I can’t.

Most research finds that women do more of the housework and child-rearing than men, even if they have an outside job.

HS parents’ biggest stumbling block in listening can be that we think we already know the answer, or that we would get the answer if we could ask just the right question. Don’t let your intuition get ahead of things.