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January 14 - January 19, 2023
The more that is learned about parenting in general, the more we know that the key to successful parenting is being attuned and responsive, even when setting reasonable limits.
The extremes probably do not represent parenting philosophies associated with being an HSP, but that HS parents are reporting one of these two styles, and possibly using both at different times, because they are so often overwhelmed and are just admitting to how they usually handle their child’s demands during those times.
Depth of processing—a powerful desire to search for insight and the ability to process information deeply. • Easily Overstimulated—you understand that already! • Emotional responsiveness and empathy—you understand this, too, but the research makes it even clearer. • A greater awareness of Subtle stimuli—invaluable to you as a parent.
And sometimes we just have a “gut feeling” and decide something without knowing how. That’s called intuition, and HSPs have good (but not infallible!) intuition. Intuition is the result of subconscious depth of processing.
HSPs were found to use more of those parts of the brain associated with “deeper” processing of information, especially on tasks that involve noticing subtleties.
All parents raising children are subject to the influence of their family members and culture. Many sensitive parents, however, mentioned being troubled by the advice of others and ultimately ignoring it when they saw that their child needed something not culturally typical.
Some of this activity was in what is called the mirror neuron system,, which helps humans and other primates learn through imitation and is involved in empathy as well. Given this research, it seems that this system especially helps HSPs know others’ intentions and how they feel.
It also appears that HSPs’ greater emotional responsiveness is based on more elaborate emotional processing, not simply being “more emotional.”
Another example: An HS parent might remember a positive experience of playing in the snow with their child the previous winter and be especially likely to plan more snow play again this winter.
When E develops a skill/likes a toy and I want to get her all the related toys too
But being creative takes work. Empathy is emotionally tiring. It’s all highly stimulating. High levels of stimulation drain energy from you, and you notice it because you feel less effective as well as less happy.
All HSPs work hard at processing and feel their feelings more intensely, including empathy for others. They are quicker and more accurate when it comes to detecting subtle differences. And they are more stressed after hours of being so sensitive. You can’t have one without the other.
Once you are nearly out of energy, you will be left vulnerable to being overwhelmed by noise, clutter, and demands for attention.
More overstimulated towards the end of the day, esp when J is home but not necessarily lightening the load.
Sometimes, they are decisions about personal values, but often there is information available that could help. The problem today is finding it. How many hours can you comb through the Internet before you are overstimulated and exhausted?
Partly why I stopped looking and just started doing what feels right.
Even mild stimulation, such as the TV in the background, is overstimulation if it goes on too long, and a greater deal of focus is required if you are trying to also do something else.
fail to take or give the wrong messages. When your hormones are out of balance, you may be fatigued, irritable, jittery, waking in the night and unable to go back to sleep, depressed, and all the rest.
But I think having only one primary caregiver that the infant recognizes as a secure figure is not good for an HS parent. An HS parent must receive many breaks from the constant contact. It is an illusion that you as a parent are necessary at all times. Humans evolved within extended families and tribes in which older siblings, grandmothers, and just about anyone regularly took over for the mother so that she could recover from stress, care for an even younger child, or return to working as the ablest adult. Why have we lost track of the naturalness of multiple caregivers?
My ideology was saying one thing—“this is the way I want to do it”—but my sensitivity was saying another—“get this child away from me, I need a break!”
No one with children is totally organized in all areas of life.
Often, people close to HSPs discover (especially children and partners) that if they make a big enough ruckus, the HSP will be overstimulated and argue less effectively or just give in.
Many will ask for something from you, and you and you alone are the one who has to decide whether you can give it.
High sensation-seeking HS parents have the same problem we all do, but more so—needing to rest, but wanting to get things done or do something fun with their children.
Change locations or activities with your child—go
Basically don't just sit in the overstimulation, change *something*
On the other hand, while downtime and sleep are essential, sometimes what you most need is a complete change, perhaps even as simple as running some errands by yourself.
The big picture comes easily for HSPs, I believe. We think about how things got to be the way they are and how they may turn out. This, I believe, is why most of us have a proclivity for spirituality, the biggest picture of all. Why were we born? Why are we living? Who or what created us or is behind all of this? What happens when we die?
Staying with a young child is not complete social isolation, but the social interaction is limited compared to another adult, even though it is highly meaningful in the development of the child.
We can be overwhelmed when processing too much, but we are equally uncomfortable processing too little—that is, not using our skills.
As you probably know, it was not typical for parents to raise children in isolation until perhaps the middle of the twentieth century, and then only in certain industrialized societies. Before that, children were raised by more than one person—a married couple working together, an extended family, women doing communal tasks with all their children near them, older children taking care of younger ones, or parents in a small community simply keeping an eye on each other’s children when the kids were out playing rather than each parent hovering over their own child. By leaving our old ways, we
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Yes but society is no longer set up in this way. It is not as simple as hiring someone to help.
Their reason for working is to have time away from the chaos, the opportunity for adult interaction that goes beyond parenting (both so important for HSPs), and to have another identity besides full-time parent.
One tip is simply to pause, think of something pleasant for a moment, then of what you want to happen in the long run and what you need to do right now to make that happen—if
Empathy is good for parenting, but it complicates leaving your child in day care, preschool, or even at school.
For example, imagine the multitude of options and sensory input in grocery stores. Then, for HS parents, add the stimulation of a child or two.
Chaotic shopping, always feel rushed, forgetting things
You are not “terrible” at making decisions. “Terrible” usually means too slow by others’ standards.
Childbirth and the first days and weeks of parenthood are emotion-inducing situations that may have made you more emotional than any prior time in your life. We often overlook this fact, but I know that for some HS parents, these emotions (both positive and negative) are so intense that they become almost traumatizing.
First, consistent with other research, these researchers found that HSPs are more aware of and have more negative emotions—depression, anxiety, feeling very stressed—than other people. Alas, they did not measure positive feelings, so they did not see that aspect of us.
remember that sometimes, anxiety-like feelings are actually caused by overstimulation.
From the time they were pregnant, all the way through their children being in high school or college, other people seemed to feel, to these HSPs, that a social connection with them around their child was almost their right, and certainly to be expected. This was true even of strangers, who would come up to admire their baby or young child,
Once you belong to the group called “parents,” there are all kinds of expectations.
The central question is “What about my sensitivity is troubling to you?”
I can imagine, too, that HS parents, men or women, might do more. They are very conscientious. They are more troubled by chaos and therefore need to keep things straighter than their partner might. Being more attentive to their children in general, they may be the first one to jump up and take care of a child’s needs.
The biggest, most frequently unrecognized resentment may be about the fair allotment of the household drudgery and boring parts of child-rearing—the work that no one wants to do very much. It is not enough that “I go out and make all the money.” Usually, going out and making the money involves far less drudgery, isolation, and loss of social identity. Then, on the weekends, the working parent “needs to play with the kids”—that’s good, but again, what about the drudgery?
She also suddenly feels tied to this little body, never really free again until her children are on their own, and even then, she will love them and worry about them the rest of her life.
He has seen that men, and probably HSPs, evidence a huge spike of arousal if their partner says something like, “Honey, we have to talk.” Scary.
Even if the other person is abusing and dominating, you have somehow helped in perhaps a small way to let this occur up until now, even if only by choosing to stay in an abusive relationship.
Nope
People usually resist change because it requires first seeing one’s wounds, and that brings on enormous shame.
