You (You, #1)

by Caroline Kepnes

If people could handle their self-loathing, customer service would be smoother.

“The only thing crueler than a cage so small that a bird can’t fly is a cage so large that a bird thinks it can fly. Only a monster would lock a bird in here and call himself an animal lover.”

tinderokcupidinstagramtwitterfacebookvinebullshitnarcissism incorporatedonlinepetitionsfantasyfuckingfootball.

and all I want is a Coke in a can and a text from you.

Brunch, a meal invented by rich white chicks to rationalize day drinking and bingeing on French toast.

Well, fuck you, Taylor Swift, because I never felt further away from twenty-two in my entire adult life

Nicky emerges from the sober house and looks both ways like a good little white boy.

Your cheeks get red and you get up on your tippy toes and you call me names—psycholoonnutjobfreakassholesickocreep—and it’s fine.

Clearly, you have problems and your menstrual cycle issues are just the tip of the iceberg.

I take out the trash. It reeks of bananas and womanhood.

Of course you were climbing into the walls in my home, literally, you poor thing.

There is a long line at Starbucks but you deserve that salted caramel stuff you drink every so often and our book club is the best.

I eat a grilled cheese sandwich because I have to,