Everything My Mother Taught Me

by Alice Hoffman

There are those who insist that mothers are born with love for their children and place them before all other things, including their own needs and desires.

My mother said naming me so had been a mistake because now I thought I was better than she. She said it like a curse. Actually, she was correct, but there was a reason for this. She had ruined my father’s life, and mine, and she didn’t seem to notice. She was the sort of person who saw only herself and her shadow, and the rest of us disappeared in the bright sunlight.

“Did you want something?” she would ask. Yes, I felt like saying. A mother.

She had told me often enough to keep my mouth shut, and now I did exactly that. I abolished all language on the day of my father’s funeral.

Well, maybe I would and maybe I wouldn’t, but after a day and a night of self-imposed silence, I didn’t know if I could speak even if I tried.

What can you expect to build on such sorrow? Only more sorrow to come.

When men were interested, they had a faraway look, as if they were trying to figure out their attraction. Was it a dream, or was it real? Did they want a woman, body and soul, or was it only the body that appealed to them? Sometimes it took them a while to figure it out, sometimes only minutes.

You could grow to love something so strong and elemental, but you’d have to value the beauty of it more than you did your own life.

I felt a sort of joy I’d never felt before. I was so unaccustomed to such emotions it took some time before I realized I was happy.

“Maybe you’re lying and maybe you’re not,” my mother said. “All the same, there will be no school for you. That’s what you get for getting in my business.” She looked pleased with herself. “And it’s what you deserve.”

Rowan stood up so quickly his chair clattered onto the floor. He threw down his napkin, not liking to be chastised in front of the other keepers. “If you don’t know what would satisfy me, then you’re far stupider than I would have ever imagined.”

They should be ashamed.

Patience, loyalty, trust, and hopefully, in time, kindness.

I had honored my father and had done right by his memory, and now I was ready to speak.