Happy: Why More or Less Everything is Absolutely Fine

by Derren Brown

To phrase our grudges in this accusatory way is to trigger fears within the other; to cause them to think ‘I am incompatible with this person, I am not good enough, I am not normal.’ Our unhelpful reaction, born of our own fear that things are not right, that our world is crumbling in some small but scary way, triggers reciprocal fear in the other person. Instead, there is much power in simply stating how one feels as if it were one’s own problem: ‘I feel this way when you do that thing.’ By respectfully avoiding the other person’s fear triggers, and making no accusations, the thorny subject can usually be broached some time after the event without an argument ensuing. So we need wait only long enough to consider our phrasing and take responsibility for our feelings. To wait so long that we never bring up our concerns is likely to do both parties a disservice. Expressing our unhappiness in a sensitive way is one of the most productive things we can do in a relationship.