I have been surfing the World Wide Web long enough to know that trying to diagnose yourself using the Internet is a ridiculous waste of time. Especially when you have so many symptoms. Pump enough symptoms (any symptoms) into any checker or search engine, and the chance of it informing you that you have a terminal disease is nearly 100 per cent. You could tell the damn thing that you have a ringing in your ears, a mild toothache, a small ache in one knee, a fear of chickens and a slight sense of disappointment about your place in the world – and it’d probably tell you that you have three
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