You Can't Catch Me

by Catherine McKenzie

“But you hadn’t done anything wrong.” “That’s my point. Just because you haven’t done anything doesn’t mean you get treated as if you’re innocent. I would’ve thought you knew that.”

We shake briefly, and though I’m hoping she has one of those lame handshakes, she doesn’t. It’s dry and firm and professional because this lady is perfect, and I am drunk.

Liam hugs me tighter then, and whispers in my ear, “I think you’d be a great mother.” And that’s supposed to be so romantic, isn’t it? Maybe that’s why he said it, or maybe he actually thinks that. But I can’t be anyone’s mother. I might be able to turn my life around, like JJ imagines, but that would be a step too far.

Bloody tell me about it!

In the end I think this is what breaks us. Opening up to him enough for him to see, or sense, the vast ocean of things I’ve kept to myself was a mistake. People always say that it’s bad to keep secrets, that they corrode trust. But I don’t think that’s true. It’s knowing there are secrets that you’ll never have access to that rubs away at us. I can’t tell him everything about me, but what I have said is too much.

It doesn’t happen all at once, us falling apart. That would be easier. There isn’t any dramatic fight; we could get past that, forgive each other, and make up with sex.

Or maybe that’s just me. I don’t know how to keep my secrets with someone I also depend on to make sure there’s toilet paper in the house and milk in the fridge.