You Are a F*cking Awesome Mom: So Embrace the Chaos, Get Over the Guilt, and Be True to You

by Leslie Anne Bruce

Real motherhood happens in the tear-filled, sleepless nights when you’re left alone to wonder where the hell it all went wrong. I was so terrified that I would be a shitty mom to this child I already loved so much that I figured I could make up for my lack of maternal instincts by being over-studied. If I knew the answers, I was convinced that the test itself wouldn’t be that hard. I was hoping that my being overprepared would translate into being a good enough mom for my baby.

Because it’s not talked about, modern mothers don’t plan for the type and amount of support they’ll need because they don’t fully grasp the seriousness and significance of this event.

Your baby won’t suffer if you leave him or her with your mom or a friend for half an hour. Your baby will suffer if his or her mom is unhealthy, unhappy, and pushed past her natural limits.

If for no other reason than because it is the best thing you can do for your kid, be good to yourself.

I planned for the baby, not the experience of having the baby.

What does a new mom gain by putting on the façade that she is bouncing back at record speed and that she can handle the baby, handle the house, and handle herself without any help? She’s not doing anyone any favors by pressuring herself, and she’s just furthering this narrative for other moms who think they need to do the same. Be lazy, be indulgent, and really try to relish those sweet first moments… because they don’t last forever.

many of us aim to tackle motherhood in the same way we approached our lives up until the point of conception: with drive, dedication, and impressive self-sufficiency.

Motherhood is a sacrifice, an adage I must’ve heard a hundred times before becoming a parent. Surely, it would be a sacrifice of time, resources, and personal commitments; what I didn’t realize is that it would also be a tremendous sacrifice of self. Everything I was prior to baby suddenly became less important (if any part of my former self happened to still exist at all).

Despite the countless hours in the day that chugged along at a slow trot, I never managed to find any time to do anything besides care for Tallulah. How could it be that the days felt never-ending but I could never manage to accomplish anything?

I avoided trying anything new, because I didn’t want to experience the guilt of failure.

I had more challenging days than good ones. I spent much of the time crying, over nothing and everything. I didn’t respond to logic or reason. I was wallowing in a phase I must have known could only be temporary. I was riddled with anxiety and resentment. I was sad so much of the time, and that made me feel like such an asshole. I wanted to be happy but couldn’t keep the sadness from seeping into my daily life. And because I wasn’t chronically overjoyed all the time, I started to feel guilty. Bringing a new little person into the world was such a blessing, and I felt like a horrible human for not loving every minute.

“I can only speak for myself, but I didn’t have children just so they could be raised by a nanny.”

When women mom-shame, it comes from a place of insecurity about their own choices. No one wants to think they’re the ones doing it wrong.

becoming parents causes us to shift our priorities in a way that our children become our number one concern—and when others make us doubt our decisions or choices, it makes us feel like we’re failing our most important responsibility. And what do you think that does to a woman who has given up so much of herself to be a mother? How does she feel if she believes that she sacrificed so much just to fail at parenthood?

There’s no one correct way, and shaming other parents says less about them and more about us.

I really believed that my going to work was the best thing I could do for Tallulah. I knew that my husband and I could better provide for her by bringing in a second income, and I also knew that giving myself the opportunity to focus on my career would make me a more well-rounded mother, and a healthier woman.

Most importantly, don’t let someone else have that power over you.

I believed that if I could prepare for every possible newborn hiccup, stage, and hurdle that I would have an easier time adjusting to my new normal.

“Service which is rendered without joy helps neither the servant nor the served.” —MAHATMA GANDHI

Being able to do it all was how I determined my self-worth, so when I became a mom and had no time to do anything beyond care for my child, I constantly felt like I was fumbling. If I did manage to carve out a small part of the day for me or for my work or for my home, I felt like my baby suffered as a result. No matter how I chose to divide and conquer my day, I could never get in front of the ball.

Ultimately, I needed to continue learning how to relinquish control. I’m not gonna be able to do everything at 100 percent, and sometimes 70 percent is just going to have to be good enough.

Fill your own tank. A happy mom is a healthy mom; a healthy mom is someone who takes time for herself. It doesn’t have to be every day, but once a week afford yourself the time to enjoy something you’re passionate about: reading, exercising, Real Housewives.

I’m not looking for shit to change; I just want the right to bitch about it.

SHIT YOU NEED TO STOP FEELING GUILTY ABOUT. Going to work out. Having lunch with friends. Missing bedtime. Not generating a better income. Leaving your baby with childcare when you’re working. Leaving your baby with childcare when you’re not working. Not having more patience. Not having time to sanitize pump parts. Not doing more tummy time. Letting your baby cry during tummy time. Going out on date night. Drinking wine and having to dump your milk. Drinking wine and not dumping your milk. Giving your baby toys with batteries. Quitting breastfeeding. Skipping story time. Letting your child watch TV or an iPad. Breaking from your child’s routine. Being so strict about your child’s routine. Daydreaming about life before baby. Spending money on yourself. Picking your baby up late from nursery school or day care. Reading a book that isn’t about parenting. Crying in front of your kid. Giving your baby nonorganic, non-grain-free, non-homemade snacks. Giving your baby organic, grain-free, homemade snacks (while you eat a cheeseburger). Letting your baby cry at bedtime when you’re sleep training. Noticing your baby is overtired. Not feeling guilty.

MOM GUILT DOESN’T ALWAYS manifest from a place of wanting to give wholly of ourselves to our child; in fact, sometimes our guilt comes from a place of wanting desperately to take a break from being a mom.

A new mother, whether out of guilt or anxiety (or a combination of the two), will almost always sideline her needs first. And that, my friends, is a slippery fucking slope.

The point is that, as a new mom, I needed a fucking break, and giving myself that break ended up doing more for my family and myself than if I had just sat at home feeling miserable and depleted.

There’s only so long you can burn the candle at both ends before you end up sitting in the dark. To have a healthy postpartum experience, it is necessary for all mothers, especially new ones, to take meaningful moments to indulge in the type of self-care that actually fills their cup.

In this new culture of the unicorn mom, we wear our sacrifice as a badge of honor, but I don’t find it all that honorable. Why do we feel the need to compete over who is more exhausted? It’s like the less we do for ourselves somehow equates to us being better moms.

Motherhood certainly comes with enormous sacrifice, but our sense of self-worth and mental stability is not intended to be one of them (despite how it might feel sometimes).

When and how did martyrdom become the universal symbol of good parenting? I think being a martyr for your child and your family is way more self-serving than taking time for self-care. Failing to nurture ourselves can harm our postpartum experience. Think about it: How...

And taking fifteen minutes to go for a walk might be the difference of having a good day or having a breakdown.

Let me warn you that perhaps your mothers and grandmothers will opine about how they never quite felt the urge to break free, but remember how different this generation of women is from any other. We were bred and groomed to have stronger senses of self and identity and therefore our needs as mothers will of course be different.

I believe that the identity loss we experience as women during the postpartum period is crippling our ...

It’s impossible to be a good anything when we’re struggling to figure out who the hell we are in these new roles—and the longer it takes for new moms to acclimate, the more challenging it becomes. Like anything, the larger ...

Decide which parts of your pre-parent identity give you the most fulfillment and make the effort to incorporate them into your new life.

It’s so easy to get in these ruts of self-pity. So, remind yourself that taking care of YOU is important not just for your own peace of mind but also for everyone in your family.

A mother’s self-care is the bedrock for a happy family dynamic.

But for so long after having Tallulah, I focused on what I was giving up in motherhood and not enough on what I was gaining. Saying goodbye is an important part of the process and one I wish I would have known about before giving birth, but I also never knew how fulfilling it could be either.

Our children don’t need us to be perfect, they need us to be happy, healthy, and present.