The Cactus

by Sarah Haywood

My brother is only two years my junior in age, but at least thirty years my junior in emotional and psychological development, which in his case ceased in his teens.

If it wasn’t for the fact that I have colleagues, office life would be bearable.

My encounter with Kate had been far from successful in convincing me either that I had a hitherto undiscovered maternal streak, or that the life of a mother was something to be desired. Having said that, I’ve found from experience that I’m able to turn most situations, however unpromising they might be, to my advantage. Although Kate might be sinking under the stresses and strains of the maternal life, there’s no reason why I should do the same. For one thing, I don’t have a male partner to look after, which, I’ve observed, is often like having another child (witness my father and brother). Furthermore, the baby will have inherited my genes, and I’d therefore expect it to be reasonable and moderate in its behavior. Finally, I have absolutely no intention of giving up my job; I believe there are very good day nurseries that take babies from a young age. All you have to do is deposit the child first thing in the morning, collect it in the evening and the nursery does the rest.

I know people like to look for psychological reasons for every aspect of our personalities. If you want to go down that route you need only look at my closest models of masculinity, viz my father (alcoholic, unreliable) and my brother (lazy, vindictive). It could simply be, however, that I was aware from an early age that a close relationship with a boy or man—or indeed anyone—would undermine my freedom, dilute my individualism, take up precious time and cause the unnecessary expenditure of emotional energy. Looked at logically like that, it’s astonishing that any rational person would want to engage in intimate relationships.

I’ve organized my life very carefully so that no one could ever cause that kind of devastation. Because I’m not reliant on anyone emotionally or financially, I can’t be hurt.

What it boils down to is knowing that women are equal to men, and living that knowledge. It’s about ensuring that that equality is recognized in the home, in the workplace, in public life. And it’s about acknowledging that we all—women and men—are strong sometimes, weak sometimes, coolheaded sometimes, emotional sometimes, right sometimes, wrong sometimes. Locking away your feelings and vulnerabilities has got nothing at all to do with it. That’s something else entirely.”

It’s about finding out who you are and what you want, and then being true to it.”

I experienced a jolt of recognition; it was nothing to do with his appearance—it was something else. The sensation was a little like opening your front door after a long period away; a feeling both that you’re reencountering something familiar and that you’re seeing it anew.