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Even if I farted, he’d probably cradle my face and whisper, “That’s the most incredible fart I’ve ever smelled.” I didn’t fart though.
Cringe!
“Well, have a great time. It’s lovely out there. I saw a few snowdrops coming up yesterday. It’s March now and spring is on its way.”
He may as well have said to a junkie, “Do you fancy some drugs?”
Amelie: Can’t come tonight but can do tomorrow??? Hannah: Yeah, sure. Shame not to see you tonight though. I reckon you’d really like Sofia Coppola.
“You can see a counsellor about anything, Amelie. And break-ups are painful things. Just ask Fleetwood Mac.”
“Oh god.” I started flapping my hands. “Oh Jesus Christ and Gandhi and God and Moses and Ganesh and holy fucking fuckity!”
🤦🏾♀️
He sang beautifully, or maybe that’s just how I remember it. I mean, a girl is hardly going to sit through a song written specifically for her and say, “Hey, Reese, you didn’t quite hit that high E.”
Dad’s Yorkshire accent floated through the door. “It’s your proud parents! We’re here to undeniably cramp your style.”
😫
Reese took off his hat, like we were in the actual olden times. For a second, I honestly thought he was going to bow. “Nice to meet you.” He reached out to shake Dad’s hand.
🤦🏾♀️
didn’t raise you like this, Amelie. I didn’t raise you to screw up your life over some idiot who wears a stupid hat,” Mum says.
😬
I mean, he’s a YORKSHIREMAN. There isn’t any problem that can’t be solved by pretending it doesn’t exist and having a cup of tea.
😒
“Do I need to see a counsellor?” I ask out loud, cradling my stomach like I’m pregnant.
🤦🏾♀️
In fact, if he’d had to choose between his penis and his garage, I think he’d have really struggled.
🤦🏾♀️
He just let me lie in the mess of my fuck-up, like a toddler stuck in their soiled nappy.
😫
A tiny part of me agreed with Mrs Clarke. Reese’s chorus did come in too soon and too heavy, and you could tell where the song was going to go within the first sentence. I didn’t tell him this, of course.
He must’ve hated it too because he squeezed my hands and then dropped them like they were covered in fish juice.
🤦🏾♀️
“Eurgh! Take it again! I look terrible!” I said, horrified. I’d blinked at just the wrong moment, and only had my eyes half-open, with no pupil showing. I looked like a zombie having a gurning fit. “Yeah, but I look good.” I thought Reese was joking until he put his phone back in his pocket and didn’t take another shot.
Instinct throbbed through me – a spidey-sense tingled
🤦🏾♀️
Another red flag. Right there. As red as red can be. As red as the second day of your period.
I cannot! 🤦🏾♀️
smiled at the busker, stood to one side of him, and I started harmonizing with him. It was seamless. The old man grinned over, like he’d suspected this would happen all along. Our voices matched perfectly. I had literally no stage fright.
Cliche after cliche...
A knock on the door. Alfie’s voice. “Are you done yet? Your mum’s talking about the horrors of your childbirth again.” Jessa groaned, leaning over to open the door. “She will NEVER forgive me for that forceps delivery.”
🤦🏾♀️
I burst out into the cold air again, stomping through the puddles of Alfie’s tears.
Maybe love – real love – is mellow. A slow-cooking stew only just simmering on the hob, but if you leave it long enough the flavour deepens and deepens.
