Rules for Visiting

by Jessica Francis Kane

What was obvious in post after post was that Amber had a talent for friendship, which, I suddenly understood, was something one could be good at, like cooking or singing. You could be good at being a friend, and no sooner had I had the thought than I knew I was not. I had some friends, but did I have a community?

I consider her a friend based largely on our shared past, but do I really know her? Are we friends or just two people whose paths crossed in childhood, when bonds are more easily formed?

You grow up thinking it’s natural for the ones who love you most to keep their distance. Love stands apart; love lets you come to it. This isn’t wrong, exactly, but I wanted to learn how to stand closer.

We document our lives for people near and far with status updates and photographs, but we rarely just show up.

Is that what I was doing? Reaching out? It sounded desperate. The phrase made me picture someone walking blindfolded. I’m certain Amber Dwight would have managed with more flair, but I did the best I could.

The first year I was on Facebook I found her and sent her a message. She responded, I wrote back, and I never heard from her again. Sometimes the door to friendship doesn’t open as far as you think it might, and you’re vulnerable standing there on the threshold, not yet in or out. It was uncomfortable online, and Danielle had endured the feeling in real life.

The arrival, however, has been overlooked. Welcoming a friend into your life is like folding egg whites: it should be done gently and with good technique, leaving lots of air. Enthusiasm has its place—exclamations, hugs, compliments—but mainly the trick is to make people feel comfortable right away, and to do this both guest and host must conceal any work that has gone into the convergence.

It is a rule of visiting, I think, that the things that make real estate valuable also make an outing pleasant: a water view, elevation, and local attractions, with the water view being perhaps the most popular. A museum or historic village? Not everyone will share your interest. A bike ride? Not everyone will have the energy. A drive or a walk can be nice, if there’s something to see, such as a mountain or waterfall. And it is always a good idea to have a place in mind for a snack. This is why the English have tea, the Germans have the Kuchenstunde (cake hour), and Americans eat too much ice cream. No one needs to eat between three and four o’clock in the afternoon, but it is a pleasure. It is also the best way to extend good cheer until cocktail hour.

Here’s a question: If a friend tries to make conversation out of a social media post you’ve already seen, do you let her? Consider it, because new material can be awkward.

Part of the trouble with friendship in the age of documentation is that Lindy knew I would see her update, so it was a communication to me. But it was also a communication to the rest of her friends on Facebook. In a few words, she had summarized and packaged our visit for broader consumption. Nothing wrong with that these days, but I don’t always understand the rules. What would it mean if I didn’t comment, or post my own picture and reflection? In just one minute scrolling through the rest of my feed, I found myself wondering: Is my dining room table that pretty? Do I miss my cat that much when I’m away? Am I cool enough to dance to eighties music and bake banana bread at the same time? I liked Lindy’s post and left it at that. Only connect, after all.

ALLEGEDLY WARMTH, cheeriness, friendliness, and strength are distinct from one another and your likability is largely determined by how much of each you project. The definition of warmth is how easily you convey you have something in common with another person.

When little, friends play house in order to pretend to be family, which is ironic because the beauty of friends is that they are chosen, not given. Should siblings play friends? And do we make friends or find them? Emily Dickinson thought the best verb was enact.

gift. In descending order, the best approach to hostess gifts is as follows: Something for the hostess. Something for the house (which is really something for the hostess). Something for the family. Something perishable. Something for the children (if there are children) is an altogether separate consideration. But fair warning: children are picky.

Perhaps a best friend is someone who … holds the story of your life in mind. Sometimes in music a melodic line is so beautiful the notes feel inevitable; you can anticipate the next note through a long rest. Maybe that is friendship. A best friend holds your story in mind so notes don’t have to be repeated.

Do not arrive telling stories about the difficulties of your trip. Bring a gift. Make your bed and open the curtains. A guest room is not a cave just because it’s temporary. Help in the kitchen, if you’re wanted. Unless you are very good with children, wait until you hear at least one adult moving around before getting up in the morning. Don’t feed the pets. Don’t sit in your host’s place. If you break something, admit it. Say good night before bed. Always send a thank-​you note.