Only Mostly Devastated

by Sophie Gonzales

“Well, like, the kind of girls you’re competing with … they wouldn’t be eating mashed potatoes at lunch, put it that way.”

This scene was so extremely important for me to include, because of how personal it is. I’ve dealt with a million insidious comments like the above, from family to acquaintances to close friends. I’ve had friends hold makeshift interventions about my lunch choices, comments along the lines of “oh, I thought you were trying to lose weight . . .”, and even rules placed on me as a child by (non-parental) caregivers about eating where I could be monitored. In reality, though, every time a comment like this was sent my way, I would wilt, and make myself small, and laugh as though it was a joke we were all in on. By giving Niamh the power and agency to stand up to this comment, making it perfectly clear that it wasn’t okay (even if I don’t necessarily agree with the comments she made in return), I gave myself a level of closure. It was like sending a message to the younger version of me that no, that wasn’t okay, even if the person speaking was a friend who was “only looking out for you”. There was a lot of power in writing this scene, for me. Quite a bit of anger, too, I suppose. But mostly, it was healing.