Scarlet Toys (Violent Circle, #1)

by S.M. Shade

Have you ever had a day where it feels like you’re holding a stick and everyone around you looks like a piñata?

They call it the slums, but what the hell do well off people know about struggling? I’ll take honest flaws over fake smiles any day.

Perk number one about living alone; you can walk around naked any time the mood strikes you. It almost makes the chances of slipping in the tub, cracking your head and being found naked, dead, and alone worth it.

I’m unlocking my door when I’m struck on the head by an acorn. “Keep it up, you fuzzy little bastard and I’ll turn you into a hat!” I yell up at the branches above my head.

Both of them are about as sharp as a mashed potato. Of course, I’m cursing at a squirrel, so who am I to judge?

We have a sign that reads “Parking in Rear” posted out front. If that isn’t the funniest shit to post in front of an adult shop, then I don’t know what is.

Wow, if the Fifty Shades movie irked them, this really lit the fuse on these bitches’ tampons.

“My mother would tell you you’d better get the fuck out of my face before Jesus watches me whoop your ass!”

As they start to shout at her as well, she gives it right back. “Mabel, I see you. Get off your high horse. Maybe if you’d gone for a vibrator instead of your gardener, Mike wouldn’t have left you and you’d have something better to do with your time!”

Whenever women describe a gentleman, they mention he opens doors for them. When did that become the standard?

A few hundred years ago

“Are you seriously getting a hard-on because I told you what to do?” “Who can know what he’s thinking?” He peeks under the covers. “He is a bit perky, though.”

“I swear, I can’t leave you alone for a second. You attract bitches like an all girl’s school.”