Beowulf: A New Translation

by Beowulf Poet

Bro!

mind you this is my first impression of you

daddying for decades

i cant w this rn LMAO

Unlucky, fucked by Fate.

next tattoo just dropped

Bro, lemme say how fucked they were,

every classic needs re-written in this way, more young people would enjoy these stories if they werent absolutely unreadable and made fun of themselves when needed <:

Chain mail and swords?! There’s a dress code! You’re denied.

unfit for the club

Did you send word? No! Were you invited? No! You’re not on the guest list.

this is so cunty

Anyone who fucks with the Geats? Bro, they have to fuck with me.

Horrors happen, I’m grown, I know it. Bro, Fate can fuck you up.”

Death, no matter our desires, can’t be distracted. We know this much is true, and it’s true for all souls: each of us will one day find the feast finished and, fattened or famished, step slowly backward into their own dark hall for that final night of sleep.

Fire comes from the same family as famine. It can feast, unfulfilled, forever.

The horror wasn’t muted by the measure of women’s strength against men’s brawn.

Listen to me, boy. Keep your shit straight.

Grendel and I slammed each other in the very hall he’d been harrowing,

WOAAAAH

Say that on the day of my dying, I went hard.

She plummeted, Earth-struck, blunted in blissful brutality by Beowulf.