We Are Lost and Found

by Helene Dunbar

In truth, Connor wouldn’t need me to walk his dog, he’d probably have friends lining up to do it. Connor has a knack for collecting people. He meets them at clubs, and in stores, at parties and shows. He strikes up conversations with bartenders and librarians, taxi drivers and street performers. Connor lives his life out loud, but until that night at graduation, I hadn’t really noticed how loud, and even though it’s been four years, the reverb is deafening. You have to take control of your life and run with it, Connor tells me. Don’t let anyone hold you back. There’s a world waiting for you. It’s big and flashy and exciting, and you need to put yourself out there and grab it. Or let it grab you, you know, whatever you’re into. And while he talks, I can picture it. This community, this family he’s replaced us with. These people who can dance all night fueled by rhythm and freedom, drugs and each other. These people who have grabbed their lives away from everyone who has told them they’re wrong and they can’t and they’re damaged. These people who have made themselves into who they want to be, even if it’s just for one night. These people who are not me. Not yet, anyhow.

Ah, Connor. In early draft, Michael was pretty embarrassed by his out-and-proud older brother. But I always felt like that was a surface reaction and at some point I realized the issue wasn't that Michael was embarrassed, it was that he missed his brother desperately. This realization also necessitated some massaging of Connor's character. I'd recently watched the amazing movie SING STREET and the song "Drive it Like You Stole it" really captured the "new" Connor for me.