The Secret Lives of Introverts: Inside Our Hidden World

by Jenn Granneman

Another problem is, when you feel exhausted and grouchy, the last thing you want is to summon what’s left of your energy to give a lengthy explanation.

Preventatively, I take one whole day per week off from the world. I stay at home and avoid overstimulation. It is a sacred day of rest.”

INTROVERTS AREN’T UNSOCIABLE—WE SOCIALIZE DIFFERENTLY

When it comes to friendships, extroverts want the variety of the buffet, whereas introverts want the quality of the chef’s special. In other words, the general rule is this: extroverts seek breadth while introverts crave depth.

Introverts thrive in more intimate settings because when we’re talking to just one person, it drastically reduces our stimulation level; we only have to pay attention to the words, body language, and tone of voice of one person.

We want to mean something to you, because if we’re friends, you mean a lot to us.

We may have a hard time confronting you about something.

We likely won’t erupt on the spot (unless it’s really bad). Rather we’ll go home, think about what was said or done, and bring it up a day or two later (or send you an email—it’s easier to write our thoughts than speak them).

As much as we love you, please don’t show up at our house without asking. Our home is our sacred space where we can (hopefully) quietly recharge. This goes back to the whole “we need to be mentally prepared to see people” thing.

If we don’t answer your text, email, or Facebook message right away, don’t think we’re ignoring you. We might want to think for a while about how we’ll respond. I often read messages and don’t answer right away because I want to think of the best way to answer. Or we may be in introvert recharge mode—no people, no messaging, no phone.

It’s not uncommon for introverts to get stuck in one-sided or toxic relationships.

“We give people space to express themselves, which is our gift and our curse. People feel safe around us, and share openly with us, because they know we won’t interrupt them or compete for attention. We are often content letting other people shape how conversations go.” In other words, when you’re the calm one who listens sympathetically, you can end up on the losing end of a relationship with a toxic person. That’s because emotionally needy people usually lack self-awareness—they may not even realize that they’re dominating the relationship.

That’s why it’s important to set boundaries. If you don’t, you may feel like you’re losing yourself in unhealthy relationships. “No matter what your temperament, the key to avoiding toxic relationships is a strong sense of self,”

It’s true that certain types of socializing drain us, but introverts need friends, too. Because of our limited “people” energy, we don’t let just anyone into our lives. But we treasure the relationships we do have. If you’re in our inner circle, know that you’re very special to us.

Rachel then deflected by asking the woman if she was planning to go. She replied, “Yes, I don’t have anything else to do.” This struck Rachel as odd. “And there was the problem. Because I had discovered that whenever I was socializing, I always felt like I had something else I could be doing.” In her attempts to live the dream life of an extrovert, she found herself neglecting the fulfilling things she really enjoyed.

“A person who is truly busy doesn’t have time to go out for dinner every night and bar crawl every weekend, because that person is already going to the gym, working on a craft project, or making themselves dinner,” she writes. “It’s perfectly okay to turn down social events for any of those reasons. It’s healthy even. It means you are living a balanced life.”

It’s also no secret that our society values doing over being. If you’re not actually producing anything, aren’t you just wasting time? It’s not like staring out the window, deep in thought, checks anything off your to-do list. Other people don’t help, either. They play into the idea that downtime is unproductive. “You haven’t done anything all afternoon?” your spouse may ask. Or your friend may say, “You’re just going to stay home tonight and do nothing?” But for introverts, “nothing” really is something. The truth is downtime isn’t a waste of time. Solitude can actually make your life better. For one, it can help you solve problems.

Solitude can also help improve your relationships.

Also, when you are alone, your brain can finally stop multitasking.

sharing an experience with someone is inherently distracting. We have to spend energy thinking about what the other person is going through and how they’re reacting to it. The results are preliminary, but they suggest that other people actually steal your brainpower.

numerous studies have found that having strong relationships is crucial to living a happy, healthy life. According to Live Science, people who have high-quality friendships may cope with difficult situations better (like battling cancer or being picked on in school), have lower levels of inflammation in their bodies, and have a lower risk of high blood pressure than those who don’t have quality friendships. For older people, having friends may protect against dementia;

When you’re an introvert, solitude matters. It’s the fuel for your mind and your very life itself. Without it, you feel worn out, mentally drained, and exhausted. You may lose touch with who you are and what you believe. Solitude isn’t just about you, though. It’s important to get enough of it so you can show up and be present for the people in your life. Most important, it creates the energy you can use to give back to the world.

Some extroverts, when I’m around them, seem to have a more restless energy that runs counter to mine. Being around that kind of energy always makes me feel like I’m swimming against it as opposed to flowing with it.

so much of what I value most about life is connected to my introversion: reading, writing, ruminating about various philosophical ideas, preferring a few close friends over many acquaintances—all seem rooted to the essence of who I am.

Want to truly connect with us? Talk about ideas or other meaningful topics. When the time is right, try asking some questions to take the conversation deeper. “What in your life are you most proud of?” “Do you have a dream or goal that you’ve never shared or thought was possible?” “Have you ever read a book that changed you?” Your introvert will probably light up.

she noticed that she didn’t feel drained by spending time with Eric. “I slowly realized it was because we were both giving each other space even though we were often in the same room.”

“We make lots of plans to go on dates and outings that we cancel if we’ve had particularly rough days as introverts.”

Introverts tend to be independent; we pursue our own individual interests and make our own fun. This can backfire if you and your partner become so independent that your lives drift in opposite directions.

The plans are the challenge: if I’m going to be social, I prefer that it just happens—a pleasant surprise visit, not a planned ‘on this Saturday we’re going to do X with these people.’ All that planning just leads to me trying to find some excuse not to take part in the event.”

We may be sensitive to conflict. In fact, many introverts struggle to meet conflict head-on, because arguing can be overstimulating and stressful. We may bottle up our feelings and revert to people-pleasing behaviors to avoid disagreements, or we may shut down when an argument does erupt. Tread gently. Some introverts find it helpful to write about their feelings or to step away from the conflict for a bit to process things. Don’t take it personally if we need a brief time-out.

“I just need a few more delicious moments of morning mind. I need that gauzy, thought-weaving space of nourishing idea play where I breathe fully and smile involuntarily. I need that space where I belong solely to myself,”

You may be conflict-avoidant. Many introverts are non-confrontational. We just don’t like to rock the boat. Nina tells me, “Even when I should be arguing or at least talking about it, I don’t. Sometimes I just say, ‘Okay.’”

When you have a job that makes you miserable, it becomes a slow-acting poison. It hurts not only in the moment but also well after the fact—because we introverts tend to think and ruminate so much. Jobs that sucked my energy left me with little desire to socialize or do my cherished introvert hobbies like reading and writing. I was just too drained. The best job advice I can give you is this: go where you’re celebrated, not just tolerated. Does your job make use of your introvert talents? Do you get to do things that play to what you truly excel at? Do your coworkers and supervisors see value in you? Most important, do you feel proud of your work?

prepare for meetings ahead of time, even if no one asked you to. Gather your thoughts, look over your notes, and remind yourself of any key talking points you want to bring up. This extra preparation might give you the push you need to be one of the first people to speak up—even though that’s probably not your style. In general, the sooner you can get your ideas out there, the better, because, on a psychological level, it helps you feel like part of the meeting earlier. Then, as the meeting goes on, people will tend to direct their comments to you, which helps you stay involved. This probably won’t happen if you wait until later to speak up.

‘The Artist is no other than he who unlearns what he has learned, in order to know himself.’

“What makes us weird also makes us wonderful. What makes us weak also makes us strong.” In other words, on the other side of your weaknesses are your strengths.

Do keep on improving your skills and work on the things that hold you back. You can do it. But make sure you don’t miss the big picture—seeking situations that play to your natural strengths. That’s how you’ll get ahead and build the kind of life you really want. Job-wise, find a career that demands that you use your introvert skills, whether it’s social work, social media, leading a company, or building your own. When it comes to the close relationships in your life, surround yourself with only those who energize you, not drain you. Your good friends and significant other should leave you feeling richer and fuller after being around them. You have no obligation to maintain one-sided friendships or toxic relationships.

Your needs are just as important as everyone else’s.

The problem with always putting other people first is that your needs can get overlooked. People may not even know they’re doing it, because you’re working hard not to show that you need something. You’re hoping that somehow, intuitively, they’ll just read your mind.

“The key is that you have to expose yourself to the thing you fear in small, manageable chunks,”

live fearlessly. Of course, this doesn’t mean you won’t feel fear. You’ll probably still feel plenty of it. But you never have to give in to those feelings. You can still speak up or reach out. Remember that your feelings of fear are just that—feelings. You don’t have to listen to them. That’s what living fearlessly is about.

“Be As You Are”

If you like staying in on a Friday night, then stay in. If you need quiet time, then take it. Don’t perpetually wear an extroverted mask because you think that’s what you’re supposed to do. If you do, you might find yourself deeply unfulfilled and unhappy, divorced from what really makes you you. You might find yourself in the situation I found myself in during my younger years—you might believe there is something seriously wrong with you. Rather than fighting your introverted nature, start working with it.