Anyone But Rich (Anyone But..., #1)

by Penelope Bloom

“This part seems handwritten,” Iris said, tapping where my name was added to the typed invitation in flowing cursive letters. “Is that coming from your extensive knowledge of crime scene investigation?” I asked. Iris chuckled. “It’s coming from the fact that it seems handwritten. Just look at it. Fonts don’t work like that. See? The letters don’t even line up perfectly at the bottom. And this little jagged part here is where they slipped.” “Still way fancier than my handwriting,” I said. “If you put a pen between a monkey’s teeth and asked it to sign its name while violently masturbating, that would be fancier than your handwriting too,” Iris said. “Jesus.” I laughed. “That’s part of your problem. Masturbating monkeys shouldn’t even be in your vocabulary bank when you’re trying to make analogies. It’s not normal.” “Violently masturbating monkeys, at that,” Miranda said.

Miranda was watching me through narrowed eyes. “Hiding information about the Kings,” she said slowly. “You’re bordering on treason of the pact, Kira. You know what we do with traitors, right?” Iris pulled out her nightstick and prodded me. Miranda gave her a disgusted look. “Really, Iris? You have a Batman belt full of cool stuff, and you poke her with your oversize cop dildo?” “What was I supposed to do? Set my pistol on the table? Also, cop dildo? Seriously? I’ve barely even considered using this thing for sexual pleasure before.” Miranda visibly shuddered. “Barely even considered? In other words, you’ve thought about it.” “What? You’ve never taken a long, lonely look at a cucumber or a banana before? Guys end up in the hospital with their dicks stuck in vacuum cleaners all the time. I’m not allowed to stick a nightstick up my—”

The bastard made eye contact with me while he unbuttoned the cuffs of his sleeves and rolled them up his forearms. He absolutely knew what he was doing. It was the male equivalent of whipping out a little cleavage, and his forearm cleavage was unfortunately superb.

“Since we seem to have a hard time reading each other,” he said. Each word sent a puff of his hot breath against my lips. He was so close now. “I’m about to kiss you. I didn’t want any confusion this time. I’d also prefer if you didn’t punch me again. That really hurt.” “And I’m about to let you,” I whispered.