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“That can be your front-page story for the next school paper. Miranda Collins has a disfigured, terrifying asshole.”
“I thought this was supposed to be some kind of cease-fire meeting. You two are just teaming up on me and my poor asshole.”
“Call my boss? I am the law, bitch. So leave a message.”
“Are you trying to tell me to keep my dick in my pants? Because you know I’m very responsible when it comes to my extracurdickular activities.”
“Blink twice if he’s holding you hostage. Blink three times if he’s shit in bed.
I nudged Stella. “Hear that? You were bred well. I’m sure your owners will be so proud to show you off. Maybe I can even ride you to victory in the Kentucky Derby if you stay healthy.”
“If you put a pen between a monkey’s teeth and asked it to sign its name while violently masturbating, that would be fancier than your handwriting too,” Iris said.
“Really, Iris? You have a Batman belt full of cool stuff, and you poke her with your oversize cop dildo?”
“What? You’ve never taken a long, lonely look at a cucumber or a banana before?
So Rich is like your second butthole that closed up and scarred over, and you think scratching it would be a bad idea?”
“If ignorance is bliss, being Cade is ecstasy,” I said.
“It’s not your life he’s trying to insert himself into.”
It’s the financial equivalent of an unsolicited dick pic. You turn around and boom. It’s right there, in your face.
“Who says you need balls to do something brave?” I asked. “Why do testicles get so much credit? What does a shriveled-up, hairy bag have to do with conquering your fears? It’d make just about as much sense as saying, Damn, that took boobs.”
“Cavity search?” Cade asked. “What kind of dinosaur bone could we fit up our asses?”
“Women who give their men permission to go to strip clubs are asking for trouble. I’m not going to let a dog loose in a sausage factory and then get mad when he ends up gobbling down an eight-incher.”
“I’ve never masturbated in my life,” I said. “Thank you very much.” Iris nearly spit out her coffee. “Oh, obviously. Because that dildo you forgot to put away when we visited your dorm in college was just for clubbing home invaders, right?”
“Also, I’ve got bolt cutters in the garage at my place. I don’t care if your bra is made of Kevlar. It’s coming off.”
“You’re right. There was the infamous dinosaur room. The helicopter. Dumping me and then sleeping with me the night after. You’re absolutely loaded with top-notch moves. I’m surprised you’re not already married.”
You know how they wanted you to think people were killing themselves in Bird Box because of demons? It was actually just images of me dancing everywhere.”
“Yeah, and cheese is just a loaf of old milk,” Cade shot back. “So bon appétit, asshole.”
“Sorry. No, wait. I forgot we’re supposed to pull out our thesauruses during sex. My sincere regrets and deepest apologies, madam.”
“My brother here. He’s a good man. Despite his many faults—poorly endowed, underdeveloped sense of humor, small, girly calves, and the way he thinks macaroni and cheese is better if you don’t add milk like God intended. Many faults. So many faults. My brother, he’s not a perfect man.”
