Dungeon Desolation (The Divine Dungeon, #4)

by Dakota Krout

Bob just wanted to paint the dungeon walls, and then he cut off his own ear…

Why, was he pining for a female goblin?

Luckily, his clothes didn’t seem to hold water; therefore, he wasn’t dragged down very much.

Don't use "therefore" when a simpler word will do. It's very formal and awkward.

if you could see them.

This should be in parentheses

<Hey, I didn't force you all to swear binding oaths that would kill you if you broke them. You came down here after being told that was the case, correct, Minya?>

I love how you had Cal decide to let people know what their jobs would be & give them a night of luxury before asking them to swear oaths, then immediately afterwards asked them to swear oaths.

Primius.>

Primus

when her voice reached his ears.

"…as he recoiled from her sudden appearance" would make it sound more like she startled him and less like he was inexplicably terrified by what she said.

made a deposit at the bank of schnozz,

NO

that moment.

Why is moment in italics? If anything, "that" should be in italics.

"Hey, hurry it up! If I don’t have that potion ready by the time we are sent to fight, I’m going to cut you!"

I'd think that if this dude had the VD bad enough that he needed it cured to fight, he probably would have taken care of it by now. Weird thing to be asking for right before a battle!

Then, in sync, they squinted and ordered the dead to attack instead.

Instead of what?

She screamed once, a sharp cry that made everyone wince as she vanished among the dead.

Wouldn't that trajectory send the Demon into the guild's ranks?

the Cleric bellowed with a high-pitched tone.

High pitched bellowing seems like an oxymoron

Dani, I don’t want us to be mediocre, Dani.

Bracketing both ends of the sentence? It's like he's TRYING to be annoying.

expand and

Comma between these words

line, actually

"…line -- actually, a wave…"

“Shut up, Barry,”

Is his name Sterling Archer?

I’ll go get the dungeon, you all have a day.

Semicolon, not comma

She vanished, leaving Dale looking at her previous location incredulously. “Aren’t I a Duke? I feel like this is something I should know. Is she my Queen now?”

Good point, Dale! I laughed.

was as fun to me as feces

You sure do use the word "feces" a lot.

You know better than anyone that I would have never chosen this path!”

But you did?

The Master angrily turned her words against her.

This would be redundant if it were an accurate description… but it's not.

I wonder why I had never seen anything from those people again?

ME TOO

‘bifrost bridge’,

It's a little weird that you're coopting norse mythology in a decidedly non-Norse world, and just throwing in random elements towards the end of the series.

“Cal! Look at the Silverwood tree!” Dani broke my grumpy mood with a simple statement,

Not so much a statement as a command or exhortation. Also, redundant.

That Dwarf had been far too stereotypical, unable to change or bend in the face of overwhelming power and evidence. She knew this would happen, yet it was still disappointing.

This is a little weird just because every dwarf in the series so far has been pretty laid back and agreeable.

millions and millions, of pieces.

No comma here.