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November 11 - November 13, 2023
LATER, I WOULD ask myself how betrayal could go completely undetected, unless, of course, I was simply naive or considered myself someone that kind of thing never happened to. And I guess, in all truth, it was both.
“And your problem is that you stay out late partying. You’re detoxing before my very eyes.” He barked a laugh. “You should try it sometime. All work and no play― ” “Keep Catherine from having a hangover,” I asserted. “And from having a good time,” he added. “With the current work load here, I’m afraid a good time is not in the cards for me.” “Have you ever thought about slowing down? Like hitting the brakes and taking notice of the trees outside your window? Well, actually, the trees in Central Park.”
“You know what they say. There’s more to life than work.
“Anything you must have, owns you. When you release it, you get more of it.”
“Yeah. I’ve been thinking a lot about choices lately. How every single one we make links to the next choice. And together all those choices make what ends up being our lives.”
“My soul can find no staircase to Heaven unless it be through Earth’s loveliness.” – Michelangelo
I used to feel real fear
But I don’t feel fear anymore. And I don’t cry anymore.
“You’re very sad, aren’t you, dear?”
“Isn’t everyone in one way or another?”
“No, dear. Not as a way of life. Sure, this journey has its ups and downs. But happiness comes back. If we let it.” Sarcasm dances on the end of my tongue, but she’s too nice for me to indulge the temptation. I look up and smile at her instead, and she chuckles. “I can see you don’t believe me. But if I’ve learned anything from the losses in my life, it is that I get to decide when I’m willing to open a new door.” “But won’t the same thing end up being behind that one too?” She considers this for a moment. “It’s undeniable that we’re all leaving this world one day. But I don’t believe we’re
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“You believe in fate?” “I believe that we meet certain people in our lives when we’re meant to.”
“How old are you, Madeline?” She answers without hesitation. “Eighty-one.” “Really?” I ask, failing to hide my astonishment. She laughs. “Every minute of it.” “I would never have guessed that.” “Then I hope it is because I am wearing my life well instead of it wearing me.”
I have a sudden yearning to run straight in, swim to the platform bobbing peacefully on the aqua water and lie there face up with the sun blazing down on me. Maybe it would finally chase the coldness from my bones, thaw the frozen stone where my heart used to be.
and I can still remember how it felt, the way I had wanted to stay there with him forever, loving and being loved.
Tears well up and slide down my face. I don’t bother to wipe them away because it’s been so long since I cried, I’m almost glad to know I still can. But what is there to cry about? I married a man who turned out to be someone I didn’t know at all. A man who chose my sister over me. If there’s anything to cry about, it’s my gullibility. That I’d actually thought love lasted forever. It doesn’t. If it exists at all, it won’t last. And if you don’t expect something to last, it can’t hurt you when it finally decides to leave.
“Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.” ― Satchel Paige
thinking I knew exactly how my life would go. Could I have been more wrong?
But how can I? I can’t deny the bitterness rooted in my heart. I feel its presence on a regular basis like bile in the back of my throat. How is it fair it should be up to me to fix something I didn’t break?
“Stab the body and it heals, but injure the heart and the wound lasts a lifetime.” ― Mineko Iwasaki
Maybe it is time for that. Time to own the consequences of what she had done.
One thing she knows. She will never run fast enough to leave behind the reality of who she has become.
