The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo

by Taylor Jenkins Reid

Is Evelyn Hugo going to tell me just enough to keep me on the edge of my seat but never enough to truly reveal anything?

The world doesn’t give things, you take things. If you learn one thing from me, it should probably be that.”

He’d convinced himself that his wanting me was my fault. And I believed him.

I’d made him arroz con pollo that night, and I specifically didn’t take my apron off when I brought it up. I wanted him to see me as harmless and domestic.

I did suffer through a twenty-two-hour labor for you. I deserve this.”

nah something's up. evelyn is her mom or something

We were married for two months before he started hitting me.

god dammit

And to this day, I’m not sure whether Gwen asked me if I fell in order to spare me the need to lie or to encourage me to keep quiet.

wow

I wasn’t mad at Ruby for telling Celia what I’d told her, the same way you’re not mad at a dog for barking at a mailman. That’s just what they do.

“Evelyn, have you never had a friend before?” “Of course I’ve had friends before.” “A real one, a close friend? A true friend?” “I have a true friend, thank you very much.” “Who is it?” “Harry Cameron.” “Harry Cameron is your friend?” “He’s my best friend.”

“I suspected,” he said. “And I suspected she might have… feelings for you.” I felt like I was the last person on earth to know what was right in front of me.

“Now the only person I think about is you.” And with that, I went upstairs and packed my bags.

LETS FUCKING GOOOOOO

Harry leaned in from the other side. He whispered so softly I almost didn’t hear him. “I’m embarrassed to admit I have something in common with these shrieking girls,” he said. “I would not kick Mick out of bed for eating crackers.”

It is two A.M., and you are tired. You miss the love of your life. You want to go home. You would rather be with her, in bed, hearing the light buzz of her snoring, watching her sleep, than be here. There is nothing about here that you love.

You wonder what it must be like to be a man, to be so confident that the final say is yours.

You start crying. And then he’s gone. And you stop. And you think, If only they gave out Oscars for this shit.

Until I found out I was pregnant.

you're FUCKING KIDDING

“You are a whore, Evelyn. You let men screw you for fame. And that is why I’m leaving you.”

ughhhhh ur fucking annoyinggggg

“You know what? You’re right. You aren’t meant for someone like me,” I said finally. “Because I’m willing to do what it takes to make a world for us, and you’re too chickenshit. You won’t make the hard decisions; you aren’t willing to do the ugly stuff.

“Do you think I’m a whore?” Harry pulled over to the side of the road and turned to me. “I think you’re brilliant. I think you’re tough. And I think the word whore is something ignorant people throw around when they have nothing else.”

You do not know how fast you have been running, how hard you have been working, how truly exhausted you are, until someone stands behind you and says, “It’s OK, you can fall down now. I’ll catch you.” So I fell down. And Harry caught me.

Evelyn looks at me as if I am stupid. “She’s gone now,” Evelyn says. “The love of my life is gone, and I can’t just call her and say I’m sorry and have her come back. She’s gone forever. So yes, Monique, that is something I do regret. I regret every second I didn’t spend with her. I regret every stupid thing I did that caused her an ounce of pain. I should have chased her down the street the day she left me. I should have begged her to stay. I should have apologized and sent roses and stood on top of the Hollywood sign and shouted, ‘I’m in love with Celia St. James!’ and let them crucify me for it. That’s what I should have done. And now that I don’t have her, and I have more money than I could ever use in this lifetime, and my name is cemented in Hollywood history, and I know how hollow it is, I am kicking myself for every single second I chose it over loving her proudly. But that’s a luxury. You can do that when you’re rich and famous. You can decide that wealth and renown are worthless when you have them. Back then, I still thought I had all the time I needed to do everything I wanted. That if I just played my cards right, I could have it all.”

this entire passage might be the most beautiful thing ive ever read in my entire life

That’s like a dog and a cat getting along because they both want to kill the mouse.”

Joy and Rex were a few rows behind us, and I waved politely, knowing people were watching, knowing that if I ran up and hugged them, people might be confused.

this is sad :(

And when her eyes set on me, I knew she still loved me. I could see it in the way her pupils widened and softened.

Celia and I spent our nights together in this apartment. Harry spent his nights with John at their place. We went out to dinner in public, the four of us looking like two pairs of heterosexuals, without a heterosexual in the bunch.

I even heard rumors that the four of us were swingers, which wasn’t that crazy for that period of time. It really makes you think, doesn’t it? That people were so eager to believe we were swapping spouses but would have been scandalized to know we were monogamous and queer?

He looked like a guy you didn’t want to mess with. But anyone who knew him, and especially those of us who loved him, knew he was the first guy you could mess with.

Guilt is a feeling I’ve never made much peace with. I find that when it rears its head, it brings an army. When I feel guilty for one thing, I start to see all the other things I should feel guilty for.

And it wasn’t until I was back in my apartment that I lost it. Sobbing as if she’d died. That’s how final it felt.

Connor was five. It was hard to explain to her where Uncle John went. It was even harder to explain to her why her father was so heartbroken.

im sobbing

I wanted to go home and see Connor. I wanted to watch the way her mouth hung open as she slept.

this is true undying love

I kissed him. I moaned. I eased him on top of me. I closed my eyes, and for the first time in years, when I closed them, I did not see Celia.

So no, I did not want to go to the Academy Awards. Instead of flying to L.A. and spending the day in a makeup chair and then sucking in and standing up straight in front of hundreds of cameras and millions of eyes, I spent the day with my daughter.

Reading your letter felt like gasping for air after being trapped under water.

And what does it mean that we have not spoken in a decade but I still hear your voice in my head every day?

I had been rereading them every day since Celia and I started talking. I didn’t want to be apart from them. I liked to run my fingers over the words, feeling the way the pen had embossed the paper.

“You didn’t love me for one goddamn day,” I said. “You loved having a movie star on your arm. You loved getting to be the one who slept in my bed. That’s not love. That’s possession.”

“I want everything about you to be my problem,” I said.

But everyone, for what had felt like my whole life, had always been divided into “Celia” and “not Celia.” Every other woman I considered striking up a conversation with might as well have had “not Celia” stamped on her forehead. If I was going to risk my career and everything I loved for a woman, it was going to be her. “There is no she but you,” I told her.

All I knew was that I was once again in the arms of the woman I was always meant to love.

“But if you have to go, then go. Go if it hurts. Go if it’s time. Just go knowing you were loved, that I will never forget you, that you will live in everything Connor and I do. Go knowing I love you purely, Harry, that you were an amazing father. Go knowing I told you all my secrets. Because you were my best friend.” Harry died an hour later.

So I think Evelyn is wrong about at least one thing. My hate is not uncomplicated.

You don’t have to make yourself OK for a good mother; a good mother makes herself OK for you.

And maybe one day I’ll find someone I love the way Evelyn loved Celia. Or maybe I might just find someone I love the way my parents loved each other. Knowing to look for it, knowing there are all different types of great loves out there, is enough for me for now.