Relational Intelligence: The People Skills You Need for the Life of Purpose You Want

by Dharius Daniels

Our emotions are God’s way of alerting us to something we need to pay attention to. They can alert us to what is going on in our hearts, lives, and relationships. Although they may be unpredictable and difficult to describe, they are still God’s gift to us, and they are the language of our heart. Therefore, instead of ignoring them, let’s ask ourselves, What is my heart trying to tell me?

We can be intoxicated by emotions. It’s not an evil thing—just a reality that must be considered when it comes to decision making within relationships.

It’s incredibly hard to make good decisions with bad information.

We certainly should be considerate of how some of our choices to press pause or realign people make others feel, yet our choices cannot be driven by, dominated by, or greatly influenced by others’ feelings. In other words, some choices we will make may offend people. But that doesn’t mean we’re being offensive.

Relational intelligence isn’t just about clarity; it’s also about courage. It’s about summoning up the courage to make the decisions that are in the best interest of the life God wants us to steward. And it is believing that my purpose never comes at the expense of someone else’s, that the quality of my life never comes at the expense of someone else’s if I’m doing it God’s way.

A decision we have to make for our lives shouldn’t come off as an accusation or attack against the character of somebody else.

When we’re having those conversations, we should essentially say, “Listen, there are a number of different shifts that are taking place in my life, and right now I just need some time to do some reflecting on what I need to do to be a good steward of our relationship and what God is doing in this season. I’m going to need a little while to think through that.”

“I’m so grateful I had the opportunity to help you in the past, but because my family is trying to reach some family goals and deal with our own financial issues, I’m unable to assist you financially going forward. I’ll be praying for you as you navigate this tough financial season.”

Some people aren’t bad people; they’re just bad for you.

What kind of relationships will add the most value to me? What do these people need to be like?

Sometimes we say, and sometimes we pray.

Henry Cloud wrote a book called Never Go Back in which he offers wisdom I’ll never forget. He writes, “Never go back if the reason that you left in the first place is still there.”

God sees people with a different set of eyes, and he sees potential where we don’t see it. He sees who people are going to become before they become it.

God would rather that we deal with the pain of loneliness than with the pain of brokenness.

Some traits are so toxic, unhealthy, and dangerous that they shouldn’t exist at all in your closest relationships. They include jealousy, competitiveness, abusiveness, and hostility. There is no rationalization for these. Yes, there may be some valid reasons for the presence of this fruit, but as long as these fruits are there, you must adjust the relationship accordingly.

I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow.

just because we are in the same spiritual or natural family does not mean that a person automatically meets the criteria for a particular place or space in our lives. The quicker we can accept this, the better off we can be relationally.

“I greatly value our relationship and the contributions you’ve made to my life. You’re one of the most significant and important people in my life. You’ve probably noticed over the past couple of months or so that things have been different with me. There are some things I’ve just been thinking through and reassessing in my own life. I am recalibrating and refocusing for the future. As a result, I feel like I must make some adjustments in my relationships right now.”

“I’ve been throwing myself so much into my career [or family]. I’ve been trying to spend some time developing myself, doing some self-improvement. Because of that work, I’ve had to shift the way I relate to you and the nature of our relationship. I just want you to be aware of that. I want you to know that as I sort through this, my time is going to be limited. I won’t be able to spend as much time doing some of the things we used to do. I’d really appreciate and value you being a part of my life. I hope I have your support as I sort through what life looks like for me in this next season.”

When we are moving someone away from us relationally, we make the conversation about us. But when we are pulling them close, the conversation is about them. This requires some vulnerability on our part. Pulling close means we are acknowledging our need for someone else and exposing ourselves to the possibility of being rejected. However, the payoff of the right person being in the right place in our lives far exceeds the risk of rejection.

A large amount of frustration in many relationships boils down to misplaced expectations. When conversations are had, expectations are clarified.

“I’ve watched you from afar. I’ve learned so much from watching you. I know someone like you is incredibly busy and has great demands on you. But I would be honored and fortunate if, in some way, you could serve as an advisor or mentor in my life. We can discuss what that looks like for you. I’m open to different forms.”

“If I’m honest, what I’ve seen in you—your example, competence, exposure, and capabilities—is something that could probably save me years. It could help me tremendously. I would truly be honored if you’d consider exploring the possibility of developing a mentoring relationship with me. I’m flexible enough to be open to the different ways that something like this has to flesh itself out. But I would really love to have you in that space in my life.”

love must drive these conversations. We must hold love in our hearts, whether we are pushing away or inviting in. In the case of the former, speaking the truth in love is not just about not hurting someone’s feelings; it’s about being a decent human being who lives life with some level of empathy. We all need someone who can tell us about ourselves. Someone we trust who ultimately has our best interests at heart. Someone to whom we can say, “I know you’re saying this to me because you love me, not because you’re trying to control me.” When compassion shows up in the conversation, compassion drives the conversation, even when it’s incredibly hard.

“For my own emotional health, I’m trying to focus more on my relationships. I want to have a positive perspective on life because it’s way too easy to beat myself and my family up. I want you to know, though, that it’s really hard to do these things if I feel like I’m being talked down to and insulted. There have been times I’ve felt this way with you, and I want you to know how it makes me feel. I know I have to make adjustments to our relationship so it stops happening.”

Purpose is the reason for the creation or existence of a thing. We were created for more than ourselves.

You’ll never find fulfillment until you find your purpose, and your purpose is going to be found making unique contributions to the lives of others.

The friend God needs you to be is the friend your friend actually needs. And what do they need? They need truth. They need a person who considers their wants but is committed to their needs. A person who has an accurate understanding of what godly love is, which is not a feeling. Godly love, called agape in the Greek, is an incomparable benevolence. It is a commitment to always do what is in the best interest of that person. Godly love is loving the person even more than the relationship. When we can say, “I love you so much I’m willing to lose the relationship if it means I take a stand for what I know is best for you,” that’s when we know we are being the right kind of friend.