Ethic 5

by Ashley Antoinette

Morgan Atkins may have been the love of his life, but he hadn’t loved her first. Bleu had cracked through his shell long before. He just hadn’t realized how valuable her friendship had been to him until now.

“I release alllll disappointment. From my mental, physical, spiritual, and emotionallll bodyyyyy. Cuz I know that spirit guides me, and lovvveee lives insidddeee meeee. That’s why, todayyy, Iiii take life as it comesss…”

You may not love you, Mo. You have some things in your past that have jaded your perception of yourself, but I know you love me. I know that. You love me more than you love you. Do you want to kill me, Mo?”

“You will, Mo. You almost did. If you die, I’m out of here, Morgan. Morgan fucking Atkins, you’re my whole damn world. I love Eazy and I love Bella, but you…” he choked up, as his face lost control. He had to grit his teeth to continue. “You are the love of my life, Mo. Not Raven, not Alani. You. It’s you, Mo. You’re a gift. You’re a piece of a woman that I’ll never have. She trusted me with you and you have been light in my darkness. You have given me purpose, Morgan. You love me. I need you to love me enough to never hurt yourself again; because if you do, you’re hurting me. If you die, I’m dying, Mo. These insecurities you have, they kill me, Morgan. You’re my all. There is no family here, no life in this house, without you, baby girl,” Ethic whispered.

You ain’t got to be my blood, cuz you’re the fucking heart that circulates it,” Ethic said, beating his chest, softly. “Blood can leave you just as quick. Blood don’t make people stick around.”

Men leave every day. Women too.

It was always something keeping him from her, but of all the reasons he had ever had to not pursue Alani, Morgan was the best one.

“Me loving her doesn’t decrease my love for you. My concern right now is you…getting you through this. I won’t have her around here, if she hinders your healing. I just want to get you right. I need you to be stronger. I need you to live, Mo. Live the life that Raven was supposed to. You’re so much like her, but so different. You’re supposed to turn out different.”

Ethic felt like he was suffocating. He was stuck between the love of his child and the love of a once-in-a-lifetime woman.

He was a man who gave his woman his full attention - every time. No staring at a phone screen while she spoke, no half-listening with unenthused responses. He focused on her, not just absorbing her words, but responding to the language her body spoke as well. “Should

“I got priorities here, but you’re a priority too. One isn’t more important than the other. I just have to figure out how to balance it all. This is new for me, juggling a woman and my kids. Nobody’s been in your seat before. You loving me back is brand fucking new, Lenika,” he said.

“You’ve been mine since the day you rescued me from my job. I believed in you even when I said I didn’t. Even when you thought I couldn’t. I can be stubborn sometimes. There’s a lot that comes with me. I know you love the parts I’ve shown you, but there are others you haven’t seen yet. I’m not easy to love,” she said.

A kiss couldn’t just be a kiss. It ended up with him inside her, every time, and she found it mind-blowing that he kissed her clit the same way he did her lips. He didn’t play with it. He didn’t approach it like he was afraid of it, he kissed that kitty with aggression, with wanting, and Alani was desperate to have him between her thighs. They lost time, as they hid there like two, lovesick teenagers, groping one another. She couldn’t ever recall kissing anyone like this…or even enjoying it enough to allow it to last so long.

“I love you.” No too on the end of her sentiments. No saying it just to say it because he had said it first. She loved him. She had loved him before he had ever known she loved him, and she meant those three words with every fiber of her being.

You only mourn the loss of a good man. Losing a nigga that ain’t shit is a win.

“I know you fucking Nika real good. Motherfucking perfection,” she muttered. “Her mean-ass done hit the fucking jackpot. They don’t even make ‘em like you no more, babyyyyy. I understand. I’ma follow every damn order with a smile on my face.”

“No, big homie, nah. NO SMOKE! We ain’t know this was your block, man. It’s all respect. We know who you are. We heard you loud and clear. This block and the ones that circle it…all off limits from here out. I don’t even want the money, O.G.” The young man said, bending down to place his gun on the grass at Ethic’s feet. “I’ll take the game, though. If you give me the game, I’ll make sure these blocks stay dry. I’m trying to move like you, big homie. Get out this shit with my life and my name. I don’t want them to put numbers on my back.”

You’re a good man. A real good man, Ezra. Don’t you let nobody tell you different.”

“You’ve always been that way,” Bella said. “If Daddy wasn’t always paying attention to you, you’d have a fit. So, he took some of mine and gave it to you. He took some of Eazy’s and gave it to you. He loved us half the time, so he could extra love you. Now, he loves Alani, and you want to take what he’s giving her too. You’re selfish with him, Mo, but he isn’t just yours. He’s all of ours! The whole family needs him, not just you.”

“You’re selfish! We love you anyway, but you want everything to be about you. You always have, but you’re not here all the time. You’re off loving Messiah, but you don’t want Daddy to love Alani. He’s so happy with her. He smiles, Mo. He can’t even stop kissing her for five seconds, he loves her so much. Things were normal, and it felt good, but as soon as you saw that he was focused on someone else besides you, you tried to kill yourself. Now, he’s back on you, and when you’re hurting he’ll give you anything. He’ll even send Alani away just because you asked, but how is that fair? When you’re off at school, we’re here and we need her. You didn’t even make time for my pageant, and I’m not mad because I know you have your life, but she did. She did what a mother would do. She was here. I need her, but because of you, she’ll be gone.”

“You did everything right…” Ethic and Alani looked up to find Morgan in the doorway. “You’ve loved me perfectly, every day for almost my entire life. I don’t want to be selfish. I want you to be happy,” she said. “Even if I’m not happy about the person that makes you happy. I don’t want to be selfish and keep you from someone you need. I know what that feels like. I felt like that…with Messiah. You don’t have to choose. I don’t like it, but I can try…I can give her a chance,”

“This ain’t your job, B. I’m sorry I’m putting this on you,” Messiah said, tone low…discouraged. “And it wasn’t your job to keep me clean all these years. To watch over me after Noah died. To come cut my grass when Iman is in California. To teach Saviour how to shoot a jump shot or come cover my windows in plastic before the first snow fall,” Bleu whispered. “But you did it. You do it and you never complain, and you never not show up for me. I’m always going to show up, Messiah. Other people seem to come and go, but we all we got,” she answered, tears falling.

Despite the circumstances, despite the pain, despite it all, when he zeroed in on the amusement that played in her eyes, everything inside Messiah stilled…he felt no anger, no pain, no shame, because if he hadn’t done anything else right in his life…his friendship with Bleu…he had done that well, and her being there, fighting death with him, was proof of that.

She had been hurt before. Men had cheated before, but that disloyalty cut differently when you didn’t see it coming. It burned more when you put a man on a pedestal and he hopped off that bitch with disregard.

“Why the fuck you just sitting there looking stupid?” she asked. He shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. Alani was nowhere to be found. He was facing off with the guarded version of this woman, the mean-ass version of her. That mouth was so reckless, he wanted to put something in it, but her heart was so damn enraged, he feared her little-ass would bite it off. “You’re sitting outside looking equally stupid, no?” He

When you fucking the nigga who pays the bills the right way, it makes you the boss; and I’m fucking Ethic real goddamn good, so take your spoiled-ass to your room, now, so I can figure out if I’m going to keep fucking him or if I’m going to let that little, fake-contact-wearing bitch have him back,” Alani said, with bass.

I ain’t with the fighting. I don’t want to fight with you at all. Right now, I just want to fuck you, cuz that mouth real slick and that shit drive me real crazy, baby.”

“Nigga, fuck you. I’m not saying shit.”

“You leave this house and I’m lighting up your whole block. There are plenty rooms in this house. Choose one, and go be mad in there,” he said.

Ethic wanted to trust YaYa. He felt like he could trust YaYa, but now that Alani had brought it up, a nagging in his gut told him that he didn’t trust her at all. Now that he had Alani and he trusted her wholeheartedly, he realized he couldn’t trust YaYa at all. YaYa didn’t want to blowup her marriage. She was holding onto it for dear life, so why would she tell the truth, if the baby did belong to him? He didn’t want to think about what it would mean if that child was his. He knew Alani’s limitations. He had exhausted her forgiveness. She wouldn’t be able to accept more heartbreak from him. He would never want her to. The jealousy that sprouted in her whenever YaYa was around was indication enough that she would never accept her as a staple in their lives. If he was the father of YaYa’s child, it would end them.

“I hope you not getting fly, boy, because it’s not anything out here you can show me that will make me show you that,” she said.

“You can shoot it. You might miss, but you can practice your shot,” Bella said, blushing.

“Stop bringing that up like it matters. Five thousand dollars might as well be five dollars. It’s nothing. It’s fucking petty. It’s not even close to what I give you,” Ethic stated. “You got a hundred thousand coming to you every month. Fuck you stressing over five fucking thousand dollars? I’ll roll down my window and hand that shit to a bum on the street. The shit’s nothing.”

No one was good enough for Ethic’s love. The way he did it, the way he gave his all…the way he covered his woman under an umbrella of complete love, was a thing of beauty. It was like watching a sunset.

Seeing Ethic love Alani was like watching the sun go down over the Grand Canyon. It took Morgan’s breath away. It made her angry that people couldn’t see love when they looked at her…because Messiah loved her in the dark. His love was a shadow. It made theirs feel cheap. It made Mo feel unworthy; and every time Alani smiled, Morgan felt jealous because Ethic had taught her that a woman’s smile reflected the man she chose.

“He does love me like that,” Morgan said. “Ethic doesn’t love anyone more than me.” And there it was. The unhealthy attachment. The ownership Morgan felt she had over Ethic’s affections. She said it so matter-of-factly that it made Nyair’s brow raise in stun.

“The one who makes him happy, but you’re not happy and you’re used to him being unhappy with you. You’re used to finding solace in his sadness.”

Morgan took in all of him. With skin the color of brown sugar, he had to taste good. His eyes peered through her. His smile warmed her. His football player’s frame was big, like she could climb him. Nyair was fine, and those damn dimples. She blushed just from the thoughts that ran through her mind.

What looks good to you ain’t always good for you.

You never let another person value you more than you value yourself. People come into our lives and we’re lucky to have them while they choose to stay. We enjoy the time they’re here, but when they leave, they leave, and you must be okay with it being just you again because nothing’s promised. No moment, besides the present, is guaranteed.

You’ve got to love you more than anyone else loves you.

“You can’t leave your pieces all over the floor, Mo. You pick your shit up. You put your shit back together and you live to love another day. We don’t always get the explanations or apologies we deserve. People don’t always love you right. The only thing you can control is how you love yourself. Love you, Morgan. Love yourself hard. Over-love you and don’t apologize for it. That way, when someone is under-loving you, when they’re not serving you, when they’re not giving you the same amount of love you give yourself, you’ll recognize it and stop accepting less than what you’re worth. Cuz you’re worth a lot.”

“Well, Morgan needs mothering more than Eazy and Bella. You parent her, you don’t run from her. You acting like you was raised by a white woman. When have you ever let a child tell you how things are going to go?

“As of two weeks ago... I was his girlfriend and not in the ‘it’s a cute title but we have no real commitment’ type of way. In the ‘I will beat a bitch ass for even breathing in his direction’ type of way…”

I’m not like y’all. I don’t want to try to find love through mountains of pain. The two of you shouldn’t even be together. All that pain. All that hurting each other, deceiving each other, and now you’re lying on the couch watching a movie like none of it ever happened, but I know she still hates you.

You don’t have him now, and you’re angry and hurt and broken and confused and your pieces are all spread out. You don’t even know how to begin picking them up.”

“You don’t got to worry about basic nigga shit with me. You fucking with the plug, ain’t nothing boyish about my intentions with you. We don’t ask each other shit like that. If we even need to ask questions like that, we shouldn’t be doing this.”

It’s like I feel everything you feel. Like I’m you. Loving you is teaching me to love me. Like I love myself more because I love you; and you clearly love me, so how can I not love me? I don’t know,” she said, shrugging, getting frustrated because she knew she was rambling. “I probably sound crazy, but I am you.”

“Only he isn’t Mizan’s brother,” Zya said. “Mizan’s father isn’t Bookie. Bookie was his lover,” Zya informed. “Fuck you just say to me?” Ethic asked. “Bookie’s name is not on his birth certificate, Ethic. I also have hotel footage showing they were intimate. Bookie might have started off molesting Mizan. I believe there was a relationship between Bookie and Mizan’s mother, at a point. There are pictures to support that. It probably started as abuse, but the photos I have of Bookie and Mizan… The relationship continued well into adulthood for Mizan.”

“He doesn’t know that Mizan isn’t Bookie’s son. That’s the only thing I can gather. Word is, Mizan used to beat Messiah real bad. I’m not sure if Mizan abused him sexually, but there are files from social workers. Bruises, broken bones, a busted spleen, cracked ribs. My sources say those beatings came from Mizan, and this is just speculation, but I think Bookie was controlling Mizan. He knew Messiah was running to Mizan for help and Mizan was keeping Messiah from telling. It’s really fucking sick.”