can’t remember, and am still unsure why, one day, one’s worst thoughts may tip over like this. How coping strategies fail. This is my worst fear: that at my lowest point, I will be impervious to advice or sense. All I remember is looking at myself and seeing very clearly that it would be intolerable to live a whole life through as this person, every day waking up as him, with this brain, seeing through the same eyes, with no way out. No way except this. The decision made me feel strong, in place of the usual weakness.
